Major Boredom and General Apathy: Best Friends

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Tori recently created a couple of characters named General Apathy and Major Boredom. RKBear mentioned at one point that those two characters should team up. I was inspired, and I thought it'd be fun if they were best friends, and very silly in a child-like way.

Major Boredom ran up to General Apathy, smacked him on the baldest spot of his head with the smelliest part of his hand, and cried out, "General Apathy! Guess what!"

Dazed by this latest attack from his best friend in the world, General Apathy squeaked a little bit to commemorate his pain, shrugged his shoulders with all of his might, and said, "What the devil is it, you old horse thief?!"

Major Boredom laughed with all of his belly, clapped his hands together, and said, "I have a major announcement to make: I love swimming! This concludes my major announcement, so now I must fly on my personal aeroplane to an important meeting in Tahiti!" Major Boredom began running in small circles around General Apathy, and as he ran he extended his arms as if he were an aeroplane. "I love swimming, and running, and skipping, and climbing, and cavorting, and doing this!" And Major Boredom thrust his hand across his body, under his arm pit, and feverishly began making arm pit fart sounds.

General Apathy began clapping and giggling with delight. He thought arm pit fart sounds were the best, and Major Boredom knew it. General Apathy reached for his briefcase and said, "Hey, you've got to see this! I was walking down the avenue, looking in the windows of the shops along the avenue, and I saw something, and I knew instantly that I had to buy it for you!" General Apathy thrust both arms into the gaping maw of the briefcase, like a cliff diver plunging into the the icy depths of an exotic oceanic briefcase. As both of his elbows disappeared inside the modestly-sized briefcase, his expression became suddenly quiet. Major Boredom could tell that his friend was trying to create an atmosphere of suspense, so he dropped his jaw in mock anticipation of the overwhelming feeling of utter disbelief and awe. General Apathy slowly lifted his hands from the briefcase, cradling what looked like a mason jar full of bees. He was brimming with excitement as he said, "It's a mason jar full of bees! The dream is now a reality!"

The combined buzzing of the bees inside the mason jar was impressive as it filtered through the crude holes that had been jabbed in the metallic lid. Major Boredom broke into a mild grinning sweat as the jar was thrust into his welcoming bosom. He was speechless for a moment, overwhelmed by the generosity of his thoughtful friend. The bees grew anxious as the tremors of sheer delight began to radiate throughout their makeshift glass house. Major Boredom regained his mastery of language and said, "You have said well that the dream is now a reality, friend of friends. Every day of my life until now was merely a prelude to this great new bee-filled existence!"

General Apathy was overwhelmed with delight by this response. He longed to hear more, so he asked Major Boredom, "Would you, by any chance, have any kind of sensation that resembles the feeling of being born anew?"

Major Boredom began nodding his head with vigor and said, "This is an extraordinary coincidence, because I was mere moments from exclaiming that I indeed do feel that I have been born anew!"

General Apathy slapped his knee, then slapped his friend's knee, and continued along the same conversational lines. "If I were to muster the courage to allege that your current euphoric condition has suddenly rendered you capable of hearing what can only be described as a choir of angels, would my allegation be the sort of thing that you could verify as being accurate?"

A look of solemnity overtook Major Boredom's countenance, and with a serious tone he said, "You have literally taken the words directly from my mouth, my good man! I could very nearly believe that you saw the words 'choir of angels' forming on my lips, so near was I to speaking that very phrase!"

General Apathy found himself in the throes of mind-altering cheerfulness, and he continued confidently with this line of questioning. "Would it be a stretch, in any sense of the word, to suggest that your mental and emotional states are conspiring to convince you at this very moment that the answers to the great riddles of life are now available to you in a way that they have never been made available to you before?" He was squirming very near the speed of light toward the brink of his chair as he finished this latest question.

Major Boredom neither flinched nor blinked before launching headlong into his response. "I feel certain that the answers to the great riddles of life are now seeping into my eye sockets by way of this heavenly shaft of light that has just now engulfed me." He then shrugged his shoulders to commemorate that bit of the conversation and said, "It's just the greatest thing ever, having this mason jar full of bees."

General Apathy finally sat back in his chair to relax, exhausted from the battering he had taken from these waves of delight. He winked to his friend and said in a surprisingly subdued voice, "It really is the greatest thing ever."

Created: Jun 16, 2010


RichieMillennium Document Media