Head Butt

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Scene:  Coming home to ex baby daddy, doughnuts in hand at approximately 11am.  The day is overcast, I've been up since 7am with the little one; getting an oil change.  If you have kids you all ready know that you would rather have your teeth pulled out one at a time slowly and without anesthetic than get a toddler ready to go in the wee hours of the morning.  To add to this, the little ones father is very literally a bear in the morning, as in I can't fart in the wrong direction without starting a world war.  I was as quiet as it was humanly possible, all things considered; but the little one wanted to know where we were going and why were getting ready.  I knew when that oil change was done I could not come back to the house empty handed; I needed something to exchange for the minor disturbances of the morning.  Doughnuts and coffee.  His reaction: Furious at my inabilities to operate silently in the morning, I reminded him that I had an oil change scheduled, and a trip to my parents’ house in the afternoon; then held the doughnuts out for him.  Naturally an argument ensued, and of all the arguments we had had, this was the one that I honestly held myself back in; no screaming or name calling, just listening.  Somehow or another this arguments still ends in my being head butted, literally head butted. 


Something you should know about me, my life is riddled with blunders and flops.  If I had a nickel for every EPIC, not miniscule but EPIC failure of my life I would own the whole damn planet.  I'd be queen of the world and ya'al would call me Captain Jinglebritches.  However, life does not hand out nickels for epic catastrophes only scars... and if you have a good sense of humor; a decent story.  This is the story of one of my more sizeable fails, It is the story of how I tried to be a stay at home mom on an alien planet.  I say alien planet because my second ex husband and father to my child is by far the strangest, craziest coolest ass hole I have ever known.  In fact he is the strangest, craziest, coolest ass hole that most people have ever known.  And while we had many a good times tripping on mushrooms in the wilderness, or making art, or goin on pirate adventures; we had many an insane time too.  This was the last insane time in our relationship as a couple with a barbed wire fence and concealed weapons licenses.  Don't worry I'm not some drug addicted mad woman with a gun, though I do wish I were the captain of my own pirate ship of the sky; in which case I would certainly pack a mean bear pistol on my hip and I could go all out with my bad ass self, but that is not my reality, and life is full of disappointments. 


Now I had tried to be a good woman, whatever the fuck that means.  I had cooked and cleaned and listened and forgiven, but this was the quintessential straw that broke this camel’s back.  OK.  I found myself torn in this moment of being screamed at and chased around.  A few questions came to mind:  Had he always been this person?   Had he never really seen me?  And What the FUCK is going on here?  Oh shit there's the little one; I can't allow her to see this madness anymore.  I have to say something to this bear; Oh god I don't wanna is he actually red right now?  He bends steal, I do not want to be in the way of this super human madman right now!  But a moms gotta do what a moms gotta do, and this mom has to tell that bear to stop.  So I opened my mouth and uttered what would be the straw that broke his camel’s back.  I know you'd think that from the sound of this that his camel’s back was all ready broken... but no, unfortunately it was not; it was still stampeding through the desert at full speed.  I said "stop it now, the child is watching".  The next thing I know his head flew back like a wrecking ball and then impacted with mine, and like a dilapidated old building I crumbled to the floor.  Entirely abased left with nothing but my foundation.  All I knew was that my head really hurt and something warm and wet was running down my face, it hit my lips and I licked them to taste it.  I was actually bleeding right now.  All I could think was: that mother fucker actually head butted me.  Oh shit! I have to go to Weiser and see my parents, what the fuck am I gonna say to them?  I had to go back to work tomorrow, what the fuck am I gonna tell them?  This is really not good.  I don't recall what he yelled about after that everything gets a bit foggy, but some point after my head met with the tile wall in the bathroom and some ceramics met with me; he left.  And I had the chance to clean up and try to get the hell outa there.  I looked slightly like the elephant man, but on the plus side I was only bleeding from a small gash on my forehead.  So I got out the first aid kit and found myself happy for once that we had spent 5$ on hello kitty Band-Aids.  For there was no other way of making this look any better. 


Well I went to Weiser that night and made all the appropriate excuses and allowed my baby sister to get me way too drunk that night.  I thought, as most of us do in times of trouble that the state of being intoxicated would help.  I was wrong.  It's a bad idea to add alcohol to what is probably a fairly severe concussion.  I had alcohol poisoning the morning after and had to go to work. To add to my sever discomfort from the head injury and exorcist style vomiting I was experiencing; my baby sister, having drank twice as much as I had was outside shoveling two feet of snow away from all the cars parked on the side of the road like she had had 12 hours of sleep and nothing to drink the night before.  Well I went to work and I made all the appropriate excuses for my condition there too.  But everyone knew, and I knew they did.


When I finally saw him again I said "first, you are God damned lucky that I am as thick skulled as you.  Anyone else and you would be in a great deal of trouble.  Second, I should know better than to poke a bear by now.  But then I guess ya can't really live with one either.  I can't do this anymore, I'm out."  

Created: Aug 15, 2012

Tags: non-fiction

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