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no matter what happens i will always have my thoughts. my mind. no one can take those from me. no one wil know how my words are different than what I'm thinking inside. i can say whatever i want. i clung to this fact as the most comforting thing i had that whole year. two years. three. nothing else matters. i retreat to my mind. my heart. i lock myself inside and no one can get in and nothing has to come out and its all mine and its safe. i'm safe. its secret. i scribble notes to let some of it out but never all of it. never enough for anyone to really know if they only find one scrap. sticks and stones and words and time. i am impervious to all of it. nothing scares me because i stay safely hidden inside. press the facade towards the crowd and snuggle deeper down. intact. potected. just my secret. my secret self. my self. the loneliest i have ever been in my instinctual response to a threat. the body is, the mind is, so adept at preservation. what seems harmful, illogical, is almost always steeped in primal self-preservation. protection from what seems too painful. too damaging. pull her inside, my lizard brain hissed. wrap her up. she is too small, too young, we cannot survive this.

Created: Jul 24, 2012


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