Instead of walking to school this morning, I went someplace else. I followed this scent, followed it until I could find who it belonged to. I wanted to be near the scent, it reminded me of my cousin. Like cigarettes, expensive cologne, and sports gear. Like the Godfather, Rolling Stones, and Wrestle Mania. Like a cozy basement where the family would hide out in on Thanksgiving when we didn’t want to communicate with my cousin’s in-laws. Like the lamb I have sitting in my room on the chair next to my bed. Like a grasp that never wanted to let you go.
I guess that’s why I wanted to follow the scent, right? I wanted it to take me to a place I once knew, a place I wanted to always remember, a place I could smile at when making my final decisions. Some part of me wondered what I was missing at school that day, but not enough curiosity to stop me from walking away from place I knew well. So that’s why I’m here, why I’m sitting on this bench with you. I followed you to this little river because you reminded me of happiness. That’s all people can ask for sometimes.
I think that for most of my life I have been fascinated with the idea of saying goodbye. Some people make it so difficult, while others let it pass by without a care. Those people, the ones that let it pass by, they’re like me. Or at least I hope they are, because I need to be good at goodbyes. I’ve been planning them for so long, you’d think I’d be excited, but I’m worried I will think of things that make me want to stay. Like the smell of cigarettes and Wrestle Mania. I can’t stay this time though, it’s not right to stay someplace where no one wants you to be. I guess I just see it as there are some people that can handle goodbyes and others that avoid them. I just want people to wonder. Maybe that’s cruel, but wondering only rips you apart if you have guilt beneath your skin. It’ll eat you alive, that guilt.
Created: Jul 19, 2012karatza Document Media