I can't help, but... shudder from time to time when I think about it. And I know, it's been silly of me to linger, I mean... there WERE good times: Dates, kind words, gentle kisses, promises, bonds stronger than any other bond in existence. But, when something so... daunting plagues you, you can't help, but, hone in on it... In your thoughts... When you're alone... At night...
And, I don't mean to whine. I don't want any pity, or feigned concern.. I just want... for once, to clear my head of all these muddy memories clinging to my skull from the inside. Because they're just making me nauseous...
When coming into contact with him... softly, sweetly, surely... His warm skin, the millions, and trillions of tiny, little fibers banded together in a breath-taking form...
I can't help, but, he caught off-guard. On a normal day, that's the extent of it. But, when a little more than your breath is taken, what are you left with...? When urge is put before will, when your persistence presses, purges, protrudes, penetrates into innocence... what do you do?
When the love of your life, the one person who speaks your mind, who owns your emotions, who makes your knees weak, and your head light, puts aside your wishes...puts aside your happiness, and your plans for the date, plans for the time, and the place, and the person, and the atmosphere, and the state of mind... Puts it all aside to assuage some sick, instantaneous, brutish desire.
What can you do? When you see the boy who's hand you've held, who's dreams you've shared, who's tears you've kissed away, melt away into a real-life... Hyde? Shedding the shell of the kind, warm-hearted Jekyll from before? Where has my lover gone? Where has my love gone? ... It's withered, and died. The last, lonely remnants appearing in the tears you refuse to let him see when it's all said, and done.
What was once a gentle hope, a pure innocence, a kind outlook, has been replaced by... cruel shock... By a disdain for the one you've trusted. A disdain for an idle God, who has overlooked what's occurred... A disgust in yourself for allowing it to happen. For giving up so easily on what you've spent you whole life so proudly glorifying. What your parents have glorified: "Oh, she's waiting!"
I can't help, but, think of them saying that... and laugh now. With regret. With a sigh... That's all I'm allowed, it seems.
Sigh, and move on.
What's done is done.
You can't change the past, so start building a future. Because, if you linger... if you let the pain show... Even for a MOMENT... you're just looking for attention.
But, what if all I really need is to vent? To clear myself of all these painful thoughts? Because, I can't forget.
But, I can try...
It may not work permanently, build a clean slate...
But, it's worth a shot, right?
Because, I CAN forgive.
Because I love him.
With all my heart. With all that I am, or ever will be.
I love him...
Even if he'll never love me back...
Created: Jul 13, 2012conrobertyler Document Media