Reckless

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I am marked,
by my defiance against consequences.
Characterized by careless unconcern.
Disregarding danger in this world.
I sought after the pain when I was a child,
and now as an adult 
I run head first towards burning flames. 
I cling tightly to edges
whispering softly,
telling myself not to jump.
Yet there I am, 
plunging head first into some form of trouble.
Clashing into darkness
and adapting to become another character
in this life long saga.
I do everything that I know is wrong.
Never letting the heat of embarrassment,
or sadness bring me down,
because I will never let me see myself as weak
or fragile.
I'll never allow you to be my shoulder to lean on.
I'm past all lack of confidence.
I am stronger than you,
than who I was.
Yet, it is so painful to be
so sturdy
so brave
I never stop to look at myself in the mirror,
I fear disappointment will flit in my eyes.
So, instead, I crack the shattered glass one more time,
hop into a car with a stranger,
and pull away to my unsafety.
I cast myself with shame and regret.
I listen to only the things I shouldn't
and follow only the rules I can break.
People think I don't know what work is,
they don't know how hard I work to keep myself alive.
When I see myself,
or have just a moment to think,
I only shake my head and allow rain to strum my cheeks.
So, I stay in motion.
I don't give myself anytime to process thoughts,
or even breathe.
As long as I'm at the wall of danger,
sprinting to the unknown peril,
only then 
do I feel like I can be alright enough to make it.
My friends say I'm fearless.
Always heroic.
They don't know me. 
Not this me anyway,
because I started hiding from them long ago.
Now I only let them know what's untrue.
Keeping my secrets as my guilty pleasure.
I'm stupid,
because I know better than this.
I know I am so much more.
But I'll keep hurting myself.
Because I know that I am 
reckless beyond return.

Created: May 29, 2012

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