It was your voice that bled from the water’s edge. Like birds from telephone wires, it ran in every direction. Calling me out to be drowned and devoured. Eaten alive to the sound of grace, as if it had any sound at all. I am but a lost son in a world of wandering children. And you were but a daughter, you used to be like us. You used to be like me. I saw it in your eyes on the very last day, I saw the color run from the iris and change.
I’ve turned into something I cannot understand. I used to feel so much more than I am capable of now. I’ve shed the heart that kept me alive for every year I can remember. It’s gone from my chest, and all that remains is a gaping hole filled with ghosts. As broken as I am, as close to litter as I’ve made myself, I don’t mind it so much anymore. I’d have died knowing you kept a space for me in that cluttered heart of yours. I’d have held back the world to let you sleep one more hour. But I’m not the man I used to be. I have become a smoke signal that no one will ever see. There’s no search party coming, not anymore.
I’ll let it rip through me and pull all my insides out into the sun. Every inch of land I’ve covered, every mile I’ve tried to put between me and my misery, it’s all been for nothing. I’ve never been able to escape it, it’s been on my back since the night I awoke to find myself alone. And though I miss the sound of you breathing, and how I feared to hold your hands, I’ve grown to know that I was the one who let go. I lit the fire that burned down the church I built for you. And I swear you will remember the shaking in my fingers, and our feet on the floor. The light from the streetlamps that poured in through the glass door. It’s a film to you and a nightmare to me, it’s a joke to some and a hell I can see.
And if I continue to torture my spine with every pound that’s weighing on my back, one day it will snap. But I don’t mind the gravity I’ve never noticed and now can’t live without, it grounds me with you. I used to be such a hopeless romantic, now I’m just hopeless. It makes me free, it opens the gates, it erases entire cities, the ones I’ve built in me. I made you the sun and you shined so bright, but I also brought the clouds that caught all your light. I flooded this entire town, I tried to drown you out. You can’t keep love when you’re afraid it will run. And so it ran, and all the chasing and all the screaming found me wandering in circles. As lost as the night we found each others hands in the dark. It’s gone and so is my hope for the future. My cowardly hope for you.
So should a day come when my limbs are once again warmed by the thought of another, the day I start to build another church in another name, I’ll have finally filled in my grave. Love, the way I see it, should never really fade. So you might be the last, even if you never stayed, but I’ll keep my heart on the carpet, where you and I have laid.
God, damn the heart.
Created: May 18, 2012TheSerpentTheCharmer Document Media