again

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i had another dream about you. every time i do i wake up and feel like shit the rest of the day. like a fresh coat of paint brightening up a faded color. sometimes they happen when you make an appearance on my facebook. sometimes for no reason at all. it’s burdening to not know how to disconnect from you. and also to not ever know if i want that at all. we’ve always been in that limbo. not able to be actual friends yet fastened tight enough that we still make ourselves present at the most random of moments. isn’t it clear that it’s possible for me to live without you? after all these years? you told me once that we could be friends. close to you but never close enough. i won’t ever be close enough to you again. and i can’t accept your offer. not in real life. so, in my dream we were in a hotel. we had two separate rooms. both of us were waiting for two individual events to begin but i can’t remember what. i saw you walk by alone and followed you into your room. i sat on the edge of your bed and you came over and knelt down with your arms wrapped around my waist and your head against my abdomen. you didn’t say a word. i slowly touched the back of your head and ran my fingers through your hair the way i used to. that soft familiarity of the texture. i folded myself over you and listened to you breathe with my cheek pressed against your back. then you simply said, “we have to stop this. This has to end.” i used to call you after i had dreams about you. but i don’t call you anymore.

Created: May 16, 2012

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