Traffic Lights.

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The chairs in my driving instructor’s office were bright pink and covered in fur. It was like he had shot a care bear and used its skin to cover his chairs. I sat down and criss-crossed my fingers across my belly.


My driving instructor, Jack, was bald with a strip of brown hair that circled his head like a Roman laurel wreath. He smiled, ‘Now, Mr Nixon, we’re nearly ready for your driving test. You passed your theory test with flying colours and I’m sure tomorrow when we get out on the road you’ll be fine too.’


I nodded thanks and he smiled, revealing a set of pristinely white teeth. ‘Now before your test I like to have a little informal theory test. It’s just a few questions to make sure you understand all the important points of the fine art that is driving a car.’


‘Okay,’ I said, pulling the little red driver’s rules books from my pocket. ‘Are they all things from in here?’


He took the red book from me. ‘For the most part and also some common sense stuff. For example what does a green traffic light mean?’


I frowned, ‘A green light? It means go.’


‘Excellent and an amber light?’


‘An amber light means show caution.’


‘Red light?’


‘A red light always means stop.’


‘Excellent and a white light?’


I closed my eyes and tried to remember what the book had said, ‘A white light means slow down because there are the ghosts of dead gameshow hosts crossing the road.’


‘A blue light?’


‘Blue means glue. The road will be made of glue for the next 100 yards.’


‘Perfect and a pink light.’


‘Pink light, pink light,’ I struggled to summon up the memory. I had created a mnemonic for this but it was gone from my brain.


‘Remember Mr Nixon, pink and think about the –‘


‘Pink and think about the sink. Pink lights mean you have to stop and remember the victims of shipwrecks for 43 seconds.’


‘Violet light?’


‘A violet lights means there’s been a violent night so be careful of glass on the road and vomit on the power lines.’


‘And how about a black light?’


‘A black light means we have to hide from our pasts and never speak of the things we’ve done.’


‘Well it looks like you’ve studied the little red book well Mr Nixon.’


‘Thank you, sir, I’ll admit I was a bit green about the gills this morning about all this but it seems to be going well.’


‘You’ll be fine, tomorrow it’ll just be me, you and the yellow test car and you’ll have nothing to worry about.’


‘Just black lights.’


‘Oh yes, always fear the black lights, son, always.’


I stood up from the pink furry chair and shook his hand, ‘See you tomorrow then, sir.’


He smiled his big white smile again, ‘Oh most definitely. And I’m sure you’ll pass with flying colours.’

Created: May 07, 2012

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