It's like being so trapped and entangled in your being. You grab the nearest part of your skeleton and rip yourself from it.
I can taste vomit that has been splashing against the back of my throat. I can’t tell what’s happening anymore. A split second less and would have known what to call them. They have the exact experience, only they are removed from it. They can very well touch and feel what is happening to them. However, they are not able to physically respond with the real world. In 2 hours. My sister was going to the time’s up house, and I was one of those things, following her in hopes that she would happen to find the right corridor. Did she hate me enough to pass me? I could have helped her find the right way. I had to watch the whole thing. I guess she is smart enough to do anything right before me. The last time anything like this happened, I was paired with my dad. I couldn’t be mad that I was able to expect that we would be two steps behind. After all, we would all be at the same place, saved by our own volition.
These details are falling off because it’s been a few minutes after the fact. I believe that I am at a time in my life where I am severing any ties of influence off to see that any of the people I meet are more capable of their own decisions. But now I am severing my whole person off. I don’t know how real the power was in this experience. I think I was very nervous to know that I could not fundamentally change anyone’s will. My will has been changed by my own volition. That capability is very powerful for a person looking from outside. During this, I was not dead nor was I alive. I was silent. When I was trying to change the person’s actions by screaming, they seemed to remember less of the right thing to do. When I quieted to a whisper in desperation, and I could only see that, inconsistently, they were able to make the decisions that I had hoped for them to on their own.
So the playing field is still even. But, God, I’m letting the sleeping go. Clearly an O.K. thing to do but I don’t want it in excess.
While I meditate, I try to evaluate the worth in accepting the stress of life, because it is a mental path to take. Workings in the mind can quickly change physicality of the situation. I believe that this whole situation was a mental and physical representation of the changes that needed to be made inside and out. I have finished enough of my work. But I chose to seclude myself, when I still had the necessary energy to nurture higher things, such as the relationships that I have with people. As a human, I still have some power to tip things. Take a deep breath. Count to 11. You’re still here. Go back to 7. Take another one. Go to 13. You’re still here. According to what you think you know, you have sixty something years to finish off. But you cannot wait for the end result. What do you choose to see? Your effort to achieve? Solely the success or failure of those efforts?
Created: Mar 31, 2010Document Media