Dreaming With Tears In My Eyes

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Today was the first day in a long while that I woke up crying. 

And, I clearly remember the dream I had that made me cry…

I believe it was supposed to be my birthday weekend. All of my family was there: cousins, aunts, uncles, and seconds of each, my mom, and  my grandma. One of my second cousins has his birthday the day before mine, so we celebrated ours together. For some reason, I was only home for about that week, which was coming to a close. We had all gone to this Disney-themed… I don’t know. It wasn’t one of the usual parks. Anyway, so this place was In a building, I believe three stories high. The bottom floor had different themed pools, a dress up station for kids and souvenir stores. The other two floors had various activities and a few rides. Characters were everywhere; more so than Disneyland and Disneyworld. Anyway, after spending the week there, we ended up back at my grandma’s house for a goodbye dinner and other small presents. My cousin did hos gifts first. For some reason, the father’s installed a huge, weird doggy-door in my grandma’s wall leading to the back yard. I was the only one who knew what it was and what it meant. I had to explain to him that it was a hint of him being able to get a dog. Once it clicked in his head, he started flipping out and jumping up and down. Pure joy. And then my mom reminded every one that she and I had to leave soon, but that U could open one gift in front of them before we left. We all headed to the living room. My cousin handed me hers, as well as my aunt. I had a few other presents under the table. I noticed one of them had a rainbow circle as the name tag. And, it reminded me that the only member of my family who knew of my bisexuality was my mom. I knew that that day was not the day to come out. Coincidentally, the gift was from my mom, but that’s not the point. My mom told me that I could open one present, because we had to leave soon, and that I could open the rest later. I decided to open my aunt’s. It turned out to be this really cute Minnie Mouse watch that fit me perfectly. Apparently, it was something she’d wanted to give me for a while but had to make sure that the fit was right, somehow. I don’t even make a watch in the way that it appeared in my dream. I started crying because I was leaving my family. I started crying because the gift itself was quite amazing. I started crying because I honestly didn’t know when I would be back. I started crying because I felt that I needed to come out to the rest of my family. I wanted to tell them… but I just couldn’t then. A few of them would have accepted it, but I’m not so sure how every one would react. My mom and I started saying our good byes…

And that’s when I woke up to tears streaming down my face. 
I’m lucky that my roommate wasn’t in the room to see me as a complete mess.
That’s when I dried my tears, pulled up my laptop, and started typing all of this.

Created: Feb 22, 2012


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