If I say it, it must be so.

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Last night I heard a gigantic owl hooting in a screaming manner. It was primal and blood curdling; so much so, that I went outside with my fabulous sony cybershot, which only takes great day pictures (not mentioned in the manual) to catch a glimpse of this archaic creature of the night. I hoped and, at the same time feared, that it would be this beastly animal gnawing into the flesh of a small feril bunny. Think T-Rex devouring a member of the Merekat Manor family. I know you watch that shit on Animal Planet. I can honestly sit on the couch for an entire weekend not touching the remote because it's shark week. Or better yet, Man vs Wild. He got sued ya know. But give the man credit. He skins animals and eats their eyeballs, then uses his own piss as rehydration! He is resourceful, I say. I need a man like THAT. I would learn how to make a raft and sail into shark infested waters. I would learn to widdle away at a piece of dry moss to create fire. I would even learn that the fuckin wild? Ain't for me. I like my cotton sheets and soy mocha iced latte's for hydration. 


So the gargantuan owl begins to stare at me from a tree and decides to take flight just above my head while yelling some owl like obscenities at me. Shit like this happens to me all the time.


Did I tell you I saw a meteor! A few months ago we had an "incredible" meteor shower. Which, by the way, I never saw at night like Garth Kemp said I would. I did however, almost lose a toe from this tiny little fireball of a thing hurling through the sky that day. I heard it - shhhhhhhhwwwoooooommmP! I freaked out YELLING "I saw a meteor, I saw a meteor!" I then realized that I sounded like a crazy bag lady that roams the streets and began to internalize my feelings about this tiny piece of firey sand that landed oh so near my little toe. I admit that I did scramble to find it in the thick lawn that my father prides himself on. "Look at this beautiful lawn", he will say, "the yellow spots from dog urine are not a factor anymore."


So I dig through the luscious green blades of grass thinking of all the money I can make with this little piece of outer space in the palm of my hand. But alas, I could not find it. Thus people will never believe me. The tale of the millionaire, yellow haired girl, and her firey meteor will never be told. 


I think about these incidences and I wonder why I am always chosen to see random things. Is it that I am actually chosen by God? I am Jewish and I know God favors me and my people. Or is it more simple? Is it that I am just so smart and observant? Either way, I want to have some control over my random acts of luck. 


I want to steal something.


I want to create my own adrenaline rush. I want to reap what I sew. And when the sexy swat officer/ex navy seal arrests me, (swat officer/x navy seal - way hotter visual than "cop") I'll say "Yeah, I did it". THAT'S RIGHT! I will tell the truth!! Mostly because I am a horrible liar but partly because it's a rush that I am in control of. YEAAAAAAH!


But I won't steal. First of all, I wouldn't know what to steal. Then there is the Jewish guilt associated with it and shit on my record. I would. however, like to shoot bee bee pellets at that jurassic owl for waking me from my thousand thread count sheets, in my tiny little home, just off of Malibu Creek State Park and Recreation.


 

Created: Jan 29, 2012

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