5:30 am television?
Yesterday morning I ended up being awake at 5 am. I was up at 5 am because 5 am is after 3:30 am which is the time I had to wake up at in order to take my father to the airport. That is of course, not important to the general topic of this rant. The topic of this rant is the fact that at 5 am there is some seriously terrifying television on. I am speak of course about the show "American Stuffers". American Stuffers is a really show/documentary about the noble folk that toil in the art of taxidermy. Specifically, the art of taxiderming (taxidermizing?) ones pet. This means that your beloved pet can be stuffed and mounted on the wall where it can collect dust until you dust buster it with the vacuum. The woman in this episode that I watched, had her pet raccoon stuffed after it died in what I believe was a traumatic event since the taxidermist discussed the "challenge" and "poor condition" of the animal. Which means, to me, it got squished by a car. This also explains why half of the animals face was pushed/resting on a log. Anyway, the woman saw this creature and said something to the effect of the taxidermied raccoon was like a child to her. I like my dog and if I am ever peep pressured into having children via a yet unnamed and undetermined partner of the male sex then I assume I will like the child as well. Most people do seem to form strong bonds to offspring. I do not think I will ever like something enough to want to have its earthly remains stuffed, nailed to a log and placed in my house. There are a few reasons for this and the first is that I am easily frightened. I am very easily frightened when sleepy. I can see myself wondering downstairs at 3:30 in the morning for a quick drink of water and bathroom break. I see myself seeing said dead animal and either jumping at its realistic self, or having its poorly taxidermied self terrify me. This would result in either a scream or me wetting myself in fear and possibly both. This would of course serve the dual purpose of waking me up and being a horrible night.
I also think having your pet taxidermied is sort of making a bad break up really really hard. I think part of the reason I get to wondering around after a death or a break up is that the dead or broken up with is not hanging on my wall. It would be like every time you walk into your living room this being is there to remind you of how horrible it is that they are not there. Its like that ghost stone in harry potter where its just shadows and not the real person. I mean and I might be crazy here isn't what you like about your spouse/pet/child that you can interact with them? I mean thats why most people don't date dolls or plywood (I know there are some people who are into that but I don't like to think that). I might be hanging out with the wrong plywood but its not that great to interact with, it sits there and gives you splinters. That can result in arguments but they are woefully one sided.
I also was terrified of the reference to having a child taxidermied. Then again I have a hard enough time with those people who make realistic looking baby dolls. In group them in with people who get baby monkey's as surrogate children (they are in the same group as the plywood people). Like, a monkey has just as many diseases as a child, but it does not learn to talk and you will at some point in time have its canine teeth surgically removed (mostly because they bite). Then these freaky monkey people get upset when their surrogate monkey baby can't go into stores. Seriously woman, no one wants your monkey touching their celery. Also, putting a tiny monkey in a shirt, calling it "Richard" and bathing it in your sink does not make you blend in with society. It does make me never want to eat at your house and feel like I should bleach my own monkey free sink in sympathy for your monkey funk sink.
So, I want your opinion on the issue of pet taxidermy. I think there is a reason this show is on at 5:30 in the morning...
Created: Jan 15, 2012