Dear Absentee

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I miss you everyday dad and I know that that’s always something I’m going to have to live with, but the days go by and the necessity of needing you starts to fade away. I’ve spent five years contemplating what I did wrong that made you leave, but the truth is, you’re weak. You’re not a man and leaving didn’t make you one. 


After all you’ve caused me; the bullshit, the comments, the fear, the nightmares, I can now officially say that I forgive you. I realized something tonight. I realized that I’m happier now with you gone then I was when you were here. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore and I’m not scared of being hit by someone anymore. 


I may come home miserable because I passed you on the street and it may cut my heart deep whenever someone tells me that you never wanted me, that I was just suppose to be a stain on the bedsheet, but I’m a lot happier and more successful than you are. And I may be paranoid of living because you installed that fear in me, but I will beat that because I’m not you. I’m not going to run away from everything and everyone. If there ever comes a time when I have children and the father and I separate, I will stay there for my kids because they are more important than the price of a single life. 


You know, I am so fucked up, I am. I can’t formulate a relationship with anyone. The only guy I’ve ever loved turned into being a pedophile, but I feel sorry for you. YOU were the one to attempt to commit suicide because you didn’t try. I don’t want you to die, I want you to live. I want you to get out of life as much as you’ve ever wanted, but it won’t be me. I am not that girl that will come running back to you anymore. I WAS, but I’m not anymore. I figure that’s where I got to the concept of letting guys use me and dump me whenever they like, but that’s long over. I am good enough, I am worth something and I’ve already proven that.


I got here without your help. I got to college without your help and I’ll get accepted to nursing without your help. Mike might not be my biological father, but he is my father. He deserves so much more than what I’ve given him. He deserves for me to not cry about this anymore. Mom deserves everything that you never gave her. They both deserve the world. 


Falling in love scares me, getting close to someone scares me, but one day I’ll have strength enough to do both. One day, I’ll be actually able to live without fear. When that day comes, I know by than you’ll regret all that you’ve done. 


But that’s it. I forgive you. I realized that I am a fighter and no matter what happens, I’ll always keep my faith. Things WILL get better, I WILL get better. Some days I may be weak and not want to try and to drown myself in my sorrows, but each day I know that I am one step closer to beating this. Good luck in life, I wish you only the best. 

Created: Dec 31, 2011

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