last night i dreamed of dead birds and sitting in a snow-covered tree while my fingers were wet and frozen. some of the birds were decayed [i could smell it vividly], while others lay freshly scattered about with broken necks. black and white birds, some ducks, and some large birds i couldn't identify because they had decayed to the point of protruding bones. the tree came later, just all of a sudden everything segued into me walking through a snowy forest alone. and i stopped and climbed up a tree, quite easily, and sat there, looking around. i could feel being cold. i could feel frozen, numb fingers. i don't know how long i sat there, or what i should have done or where i was going. i woke up in the early dawn and looked out my window for a while. why is desolation the theme now for my dreams? it's enough to feel it in the daytime, when i'm walking alone, when i'm driving alone. when i'm going to class walking by myself, arms folded, trying to look indifferent to the fact that i can feel his eyes on me, knowing that he knows i hate walking alone. my awkwardness is amplified when i walk past him because i forget how to look like i'm not concentrating hard on walking normal or looking cute, or trying to figure out if i should walk without looking back at him, or with my arms crossed or at my sides. i can't walk in front of him. i can't. he has made the simplest things harder by his absence in my life. .... i don't want to be defined by this. but i miss having a man in my life. i miss being that thing that incites a smile. if i had a bottle of whisky, i'd be drinking it with my back against the wall.
Created: Feb 06, 2010Document Media