Scarves

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You wore your abandonment issues and insecurities like a winter scarf to protect you from the cruel cold world


And every time you self-medicated your wounds, your lesions, your scars


The fibers of that scarf grew thicker


She told me you went for a walk that day, and I stared out the window wondering how far of a trek it was to Chicago


I was young, and maybe my depth perception was shotty, but every brownstone on our street looked like a new city to me, I figured you hadn’t gone far..


Almost a decade later, you called me, and I heard the voice of someone else’s father ask me how I was, a voice tinged with Heineken and regret, a voice muffled by a scarf too tight around the jugular.


I heard the soft laughter of my new baby stepsister who unbeknownst to her had been cast as my stunt double


For you see, to him, I am just a ghost, the ghost of a family he could never have


So you made a new one, didn’t you? And I’m sorry I can’t forgive you


But that scarf isn’t formal wear, and it’s not welcome at my future wedding


One day I’ll walk down the aisle with my mother by my side, and everyone will stare at the void on my left, where you should be


And I will know that you are somewhere, sitting, sitting in that same armchair, the game’s probably on, beer in hand, wishing you still knew me


At least I know you’ll be warm..


 

Created: Mar 26, 2011

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