the smell

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It's been two months without him. and all in all, I'm fine. I'm better than I thought I would be. I'm working as much as I can, I'm meeting new people (but haven't really ~met~ anyone yet, in a biblical sense), I'm hanging out with friends. But then every once in a while I something happens and I desperately wanna talk to him. Silly things mostly. Like the other day when I saw Andy Serkis impersonate Gollum on a chat show. I typed the link (with a funny message), but then saved as draft... it's still on my unsent box. 


I miss the guy I shared my life with. The thing I was most proud of was our friendship. So when the relationship ends, where does the friendship goes? Is that possible to remain friends? I'm not really sure what to do. I feel like there's a hole in my life because he was the only one who knew everything that was going on in my life. I miss him... I wanna be friends with him but I'm not sure I wanna see him with somebody, although I don't wanna be with him either. 


Yesterday I found a picture of him, from our last vacation. When we broke up, the film was still in the camera, and I just finished the roll this past week. I remember he didn't want me to take pictures of him (but then he never wanted me to do so), I look at these pictures and feel sorry for my naivety.  and I wasn't even that happy then, I was pretending so hard. But then, looking at these pictures, I realize I'm never gonna feel his smell, I'm never gonna hear the sound of his breathing... so, very maturely, I ran to my closet and found a lost shirt he misplaced in my suitcase. I took a deep breath, smelled it really hard... and then I cried. Again. A lot. 


What I feel is that when a relationship is very long and strong, we became somebody else. Like there was him, there was me, and there was "the couple" and all of those 3 people were somehow one. So when it's over, it's like a death in a way. There's this hole. And there's nothing we can do about it. 


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NOTE: I was going to review it, but if I review it I'll never publish so.. I'm already sorry for all the mistakes I made, grammatically (or not) speaking. 

Created: Jun 30, 2017

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