Goodbye

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Dad,

I love you so much. I'm so sorry I was such a bitch in high school. I never hated you. I am so proud to be your daughter, and I always was.

Remember when I dated that guy from Mississippi? He was not a nice guy, and your first instincts were spot on. He made me feel worthless, and I cried all the time. He hit me; more than once, twice, or three times, and he cheated on me. I didn't tell anyone about the abuse. I especially didn't tell you. I thought I could handle it, and I did eventually... sort of. Anyway, I wish I told you about it. You would have reminded me that I was worth so much more. You would have made me feel powerful.

I had an abortion a few years ago. I never wanted to tell you because I didn't want you to worry about me. You always encouraged me to be a strong independent woman, but I let a man who didn't love me get me pregnant. Anyway- I wish I told you. You would have supported me with your whole heart, even though I know you would have loved a grandchild.

Remember when you met my roommate in Utah? Remember what you said about the two of us?... you were right... and we're still together. He helped me find my confidence, and he reminded me that I didn't need him or anyone to feel good about myself. Anyway- I wish you got to spend more time with him. I wish I told you that he once said to me, "Your dad looks so happy in every single picture. I wish my dad was so happy all the time."

He was right- you always looked so happy!!

The week before you died, I gave a presentation to 60 people at work about Enthusiasm, Positive Thinking, and Developing Talent. My entire presentation was filled with anecdotal stories about you being so abundantly positive my whole life. Making me learn words like perseverance and integrity, putting me in karate, never letting me say "I can't." One of the attendees wrote me afterwards and thanked me for my time. He told me that he hopes to be a Father like you for his own daughter one day. Anyway- I wish I told you about this conference. I know you would have been proud of me (because you always were), and I hope you would have been proud of yourself. I was so proud of you!

I was in Stillwater, Oklahoma last February getting ready to open my new hotel. Oh my god it was so boring in Stillwater!!! I was slicing the time into fractions to trick myself into thinking it was passing faster. Anyway- I wish I called you when I was bored. Maybe you would have answered. Maybe I could have told you that I needed you.

Maybe I wouldn't have gotten a text from my mom that said, "Call me, 9-1-1." Maybe she wouldn't have told me you were dead.

Maybe she wouldn't have told me that you killed yourself.

And in that moment, the world became a little bit darker. You deserved so much more. You were everything good in this world.

I will love you forever.





Created: Jun 24, 2017

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