This is Life (According to a naive 21 year old) Chapter 2

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This is... A Love Firm

TIM: Thank you for taking my case.

LAWYER: No problem (sits down). What seems to be the issue?

TIM: Well, I've been going through a lot of emotions lately. Mostly depression.

LAWYER: Why's that?

TIM: I was rejected.

LAWYER: (visibly winces) Ooh. Yeah, that does suck. But, good news is I can help with that.

TIM: Right, that's why I'm here. See, this girl and I have known each other for a few years now, as friends of course. But, I've always had these feelings for her.

LAWYER: Mm. Elaborate. What kind of feelings? Sexual? Romantic? Maybe a little bit of both?

TIM: Both. Mostly romantic.

LAWYER: Mm-hmm. I see. And I'm assuming you told her how you felt?

TIM: Yes. And, she turned me down.

LAWYER: Naturally.

TIM: Yeah--w-wait. What do you mean by that?

LAWYER: Sorry. I've been reading your file and everything that's transpired up to the rejection. And I must say that you have--pardon my french--fucked up in many major aspects of your friendship slash potential relationship.

TIM: I don't understand. What did I do wrong?

LAWYER: Well, for example... (pulls out transcript) ... Ah, here we go, this is perfect. And I quote: "Hey, Brie. Just wondering what you're up to today?"

TIM: ...And?

LAWYER: And? This was on a Saturday.

TIM: Okay, so I texted her on the weekend, big deal.

LAWYER: Tim, tell me. How many relationships have you been in?

TIM: Uh, like, three--

LAWYER: Bullshit! I have your high school record--

TIM: How did you get a hold of that--?

LAWYER: Shh! We're a love firm. We are very thorough. That being said. It says here that not only have you not been in a relationship. But, your past efforts have resulted in rare form of chronic depression.

TIM: Shit.

LAWYER: Yeah. I'm talking about depressionitis. Otherwise known as: Debby Downer fever, Bummer billy type b and or a. And... Crabs. Which may not be life threatening, it can still cause severe depression. Especially when you have to break it to your bros. And you're scratching your balls at the same time.

TIM: Why do all these have names of real people in them?

LAWYER: Fallen victims.

TIM: I don't understand. I don't have this depressionitis you're talking about.

LAWYER: Really? How many friends do you normally have?

TIM: Normally--?

LAWYER: Answer the question!

TIM: Five.

LAWYER: And how many do you have now since this rejection?

TIM: Well... like, two.


TIM: Okay, I have none! But I made an effort to hang out with them. Like last night I asked my friends if they wanted to watch all the Resident Evil movies.

LAWYER: Good lord. The CGI ones or the live action ones?

TIM: The live action ones.

LAWYER: You are much more worse than I thought.

TIM: Look! What can you do for me?

LAWYER: Well, first off. No contact with this Brie girl.

TIM: Uh...


TIM: Well, I already texted her today.

LAWYER: Jesus, Tim! I can't help you if you're always relapsing!

TIM: I don't see the problem.

LAWYER: Look, you cannot have any contact with her. Do you two work together or something?

TIM: No. We're a part of the same community service club, though. So, I see her every Friday.

LAWYER: Okay, you have to stop attending those.

TIM: But, that's something I like to do.

LAWYER: God, you do community service for fun? Here, sign this... (pulls out a contract).

TIM: What's this?

LAWYER: This is an iron clad contract stating that you will no longer have any contact with her through text or in person. And, in it includes a new set of social activities you must partake in every week and weekend with your friends.

TIM: (reading) Go bar hopping? Play Overwatch during the weekend evenings. Attend the theater once a week? Ritualistic masturbation with friends?

LAWYER: The last one is optional, you don't have to do that. It's like... an elective. If you choose to partake, that's great. If not, well, that's fine but it won't reflect nicely on the case we're building here.

TIM: Case? What case? All I wanted was some monetary compensation for my emotional troubles.

LAWYER: That just makes you come off as a complete, self centered, jackass. No, this is much more than that. We are attempting to turn things around for you. Make Brie realize that she made a mistake rejecting you.

TIM: Okay, I'm not out for revenge.

LAWYER: Are you not? This is what our firm was founded on. Rejection. Being friend-zoned, etc. You want her back, don't you?

TIM: Well... I'm not sure. Not at the moment, no.

LAWYER: So you just want money for your pain and suffering?

TIM: Yeah?

LAWYER: ...Hmm. I'll have to revise some of these contracts and--well, the entire case.

TIM: Why? Isn't this easy?

LAWYER: Not exactly. Brie is aware of the legal action you're taking.

TIM: Wha--when!?

LAWYER: Come on, Tim. You didn't think she would want to take legal action? She was the rejector. She wants monetary compensation, too.

TIM: For what? I was rejected.

LAWYER: Yeah, but she feels bad about it.

TIM: Wait... who would be paying who if either of us wins?

LAWYER: Cupid. Obviously. He's the one who shot you with the love arr... oh! I see where you're going with this!

TIM: What are you talking about?

LAWYER: (picks up phone) Tim. You just made this case much more interesting.

TIM: How's that?

LAWYER: Well, we're going to sue Cupid. He's the one responsible for this mess.

TIM: You can't be serious.

LAWYER: Cupid has made bank off the couples he's made fall in love. Not today, my friend. He's going to answer for his crimes!

TIM: (stands up and walks out) I'm outta here.

LAWYER: Where are you going?

TIM: (as he's leaving) I'm gonna go jack off!

LAWYER: Excessive masturbation can lead to blindness, Tim! We can sue Brie for that! Good idea! Go beat off like you've never beaten off before!


Created: Jun 22, 2017

Tags: fiction, satire, script, story, dialogue, love, rejected

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