You're Stunning and I Love You But Your Son is an Asshole

By markhammer

(This is a short I wrote a few years ago. Feel free to rewrite.)

FADE IN:

EXT. BACKYARD -- NIGHT

A rich kid's 15th birthday bash. Mom went all out. A dance floor's been professionally installed on the grass and a balding DISC JOCKEY in white jeans plays LOUD DANCE MUSIC.

ROGER, the gangly, red headed birthday boy, is swarmed by friends giving cards and hugs and high fives.

GIRL
Great party, Roger!

ROGER
Thanks, babe, glad you could swing by.

Off the dance floor, across the neon swimming pool, sitting alone at a card table buffet is BOBBY, 14 but small for his age.

He stares sadly at his older-looking, sexier peers dancing up a storm.

Two of Roger's guy friends, one PUDGY and one TALL, stroll up to Bobby. Bobby perks up at the attention.

BOBBY
Hi guys. Neat party, huh?

PUDGY
Yeah, sure, um... We were wondering... How much do you weigh?

TALL
Cause I said forty five pounds, and he said "No way, that's what puppies weigh."

PUDGY
And be exact because I have money riding on this. I said you're a solid sixty--

BOBBY
(quietly interrupting)
I weight ninety pounds.

PUDGY
Hm.

The friends lose interest and walk away.

Bobby sees Pudgy and Tall on the dance floor telling the story to Roger and his entourage. Roger looks at Bobby and swings his head back laughing.

Bobby is spitefully eating a chicken wing, staring at Roger when someone special catches his eye past him on the dance floor.

EPIC ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS as Bobby gets a love stricken look on his sauce covered face.

Bobby stands. Wipes his face with a birthday napkin. Brushes crumbs off his shirt. Takes a swig of orange soda, gargles it, and spits it into the bushes. He's ready.

THE DANCE FLOOR

Bobby walks the dance floor with determination.

He's heading towards a group of cute GIRLS. One of the girls, an adorable 14 year old named CASSANDRA, smiles awkwardly and eagerly.

Bobby smiles back. He then walks straight past Cassandra, and past the edge of the dance floor to--

MRS. WASSLER, 37 and very pretty, sipping a glass of wine alone. Roger's mother. Overseeing the festivities, a little bored.

Bobby just stands in front of her, smiling charmingly.

MRS. WASSLER
Hello, Bobby.

BOBBY
Hi.

MRS. WASSLER
Enjoying the party? I--

BOBBY
(confidently interrupting)
The party's great.

MRS. WASSLER
Oh, aren't you sweet?

BOBBY
What year?

MRS. WASSLER
Excuse me?

Bobby taps her wine glass.

MRS. WASSLER
Oh. This is just bargain bin... This year.

BOBBY
Sure most people go right for the older wines. But some say the younger ones have their charm too.

Bobby flashes a smile. Mrs. Wassler looks a little uncomfortable.

BOBBY
Do you... want to dance?

MRS. WASSLER
Oh, I don't know.

BOBBY
C'mon. Let's show these kids a thing or two.

Maybe it's sympathy, maybe it's charity. Whatever. She's won over.

MRS. WASSLER
Oh what the heck. Let's go.

Bobby leads her onto the crowded dance floor. It's a fast paced SONG and they dance like mad. Both having a great time.

ROGER (O.S.)
What the hell are you doing??

Roger stands by, disgusted. Bobby and Mrs. Wassler don't stop dancing.

MRS. WASSLER
We're dancing, honey.

BOBBY
She's great!

MRS. WASSLER
Hey, you're not bad yourself, mister.

ROGER
(mortified)
Shut up! Both of you!

All the kids stop dancing. Confused, the DJ turns off the music. Roger realizes everyone is staring at him. Humiliated, he flees inside.

MRS. WASSLER
Roger!

She starts to follow him but Bobby stops her--

BOBBY
(supportive)
I'll talk to him.

INT. WASSLER HOME -- NIGHT

Bobby jogs upstairs to Roger's shut door. He knocks.

BOBBY
Roger?

ROGER (O.S.)
Go away you freak!

BOBBY
If you're worried about my intentions... I assure you Diane has my utmost respect.

ROGER
Don't call her Diane!

BOBBY
Okay, listen, I understand this is a tough time for you but your mother is a grown woman and she can make her own decisions.
(no response)
Roger?

The door swings open and Roger punches Bobby square in the face.

CUT TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

INT. WASSLER KITCHEN -- DAY

A kitchen plucked out of Home and Garden magazine. Mrs. Wassler looks radiant as she prepares eggs benedict in a robe.

Roger trudges in and plops down at the kitchen table with his backpack on.

MRS. WASSLER
Did you clean your room, sweet heart?

ROGER
No.

MRS. WASSLER
I asked you to. Remember?

ROGER
I'll do it later.

MRS. WASSLER
Roger...

ROGER
Mom, what do you--

Bobby saunters in wearing a robe that matches Mrs. Wasslers. He stands on his toes to kiss her on the cheek.

Roger glares at this, boiling with rage.

BOBBY
You're mother's right, Roger. It's not gonna clean itself.

ROGER
You're not my father!

Roger storms out of the house.

MRS. WASSLER
I am so sorry...

Bobby gently moves a wisp of hair out of her face.

BOBBY
It's okay... I'll earn "dad".

CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL QUAD -- DAY

Bobby walks through the open air dining area with a tray of chicken nuggets and a carton of milk. The picnic tables are full of kids acting like kids.

Bobby arrives at a table seating Roger and his buddies PHIL and CHUCK.

BOBBY
Hey Roger, any room for the ol' man?

ROGER
No! Go away.

Phil and Chuck sit uncomfortably.

BOBBY
(to Phil and Chuck)
So you're Roger's friends. A friend of his is a friend of mine, you hear? And I better not catch you calling me Mr. Pagano. I'm Bobby, okay?

PHIL
Uh, we know...

BOBBY
So Roger talks about me, huh? Uh oh... Should I be worried?

PHIL
No, we had English.

Bobby just stares at him, not quite placing him.

PHIL
(helping)
Just now. Last period. We did a project together...

BOBBY
That's right... So anyway, you guys should come by the house later. He's got one of those Nintendos. And Diane and I can whip up some snacks. The woman is a magician with velvetta. Could be a fun time.

CHUCK
That'd be kinda cool.

BOBBY
All right, I'll see you later guys.

CHUCK
Bye Mr. -- I mean, Bobby.

Bobby waves as he walks away.

ROGER
(fuming)
Finally. Sorry about that, guys.

PHIL
You're dad's kind of cool.

Bobby hears this as he's sitting down at a different table, alone. He smiles.

CUT TO:

INT. DIANE'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Diane and Bobby sit up in bed, side by side, reading novels.

DIANE
How'd lunch go?

BOBBY
Sometimes I worry I won't be able get through to him. But I think I made a good impression on his friends.

DIANE
Ah... the "cool dad", huh?

Bobby grins sheepishly. Diane kisses him on the forehead, teasing. Bobby switches off the bedside lamp and the room goes dark. They giggle and snuggle.

Suddenly a hallway door opens and floods the room with light.

Roger stands in the doorway, mortified.

ROGER
Bobby Pagano?? What the hell are you doing?

CUT TO:

INT. BACKYARD BIRTHDAY PARTY -- NIGHT

Bobby gazes at Mrs. Wassler from across the party -- lost in a day dream.

ROGER (O.S.)
Hey, idiot! I'm talking to you.

Bobby snaps out of it, disoriented. Roger and his buddies (Pudgy, Tall, Chuck, and Phil) surround him.

MIKE
I think he's on drugs.

CHRIS
I didn't know ten year olds could be on drugs.

Roger leans into Bobby's face.

ROGER
Just so you know...

Bobby is intimidated.

ROGER
My mom MADE me invite you.

BOBBY
(a huge smile)
She did? Seriously?

This was not the reaction Roger was expecting.

ROGER
You are so weird.

Roger and his friends head back to the dance floor.

Bobby looks to Mrs. Wassler, sipping her wine alone. He makes eye contact with her. She smiles and waves.

Bobby leans back in his folding chair -- the king of the party.

FADE TO BLACK.

Document
You're Stunning and I Love You But Your Son is an Asshole

Created: Jan 23, 2010

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