Catch 22

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What is depression supposed to feel like in the first place? "Down in the dumps"? "Eore from Winnie the Pooh"? Or just.... meaningless.

It's all been said and felt before. I know I'm living it right now. I'm depressed! I'm depressed for many reasons, but the catch is that I'm trying to over come it, and it makes me even more depressed.

When are anti-depressants supposed to work? I'm not in denial about being depressed. I went to the doctor in fear that I was becoming depressed, and needed help. But why is a pill, that's supposed to help, make me feel worse?

It's not that I'm taking the wrong one, I've tried them all. I hit the sample carts at the pharmaceutical Costco... so why am I even more depressed?

I'm depressed because I have to take medication to feel "normal" whatever that may be... that I'm so screwed in the head that I don't relate to modern day society, so I need to be medicated. My goals, my dreams, my life are now all regulated by a pill I need to take every day to help with depression... when in reality, it makes me more depressed.

I should be strong enough to fight and know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel... but I'm too weak to fight. I should know that I can accomplish my goals... but I focus on how I know I won't. And I blame the pills.

The one thing that is there to help me has worsened me...and I don't have anymore energy to fight back. I have become numb, incoherent to feelings and understandings. Life has become a full fledged "eh".... and to me, that is the most depressing of it all.

How can I accept myself and what I need to move forward in a positive way? How can I let the anti-depressants intake do their job and make me "anti"-depressed? Just the question itself depresses me, because I don't know if there is an answer.

Created: Jun 15, 2017

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