Thoughts of everything and nothing

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I am tired, but I can't sleep. You took my ability to sleep with you when you left me. It's been five years now. Sometimes I think of you and how we used to be us. I still love you and always will. We used to be us and now it's barely me. I am broken. My soul is tired. That kind of tired that sleep can't fix. Falling asleep is the hardest part. When I do fall asleep I don't want to wake up. I could sleep for hours, but still wake up tired. Sometimes I think of you: what we were, what we could be. Sometimes I think of someone new. I think what is it like when someone truly loves you and adores you. I wonder if there is someone who thinks of me. Some days I know I have only few hours left to sleep, so that thought keeps me awake. "I can't be late." I stay awake staring at the clock. Most nights I dream of something better. Maybe I'll be fixed. Maybe my tears turn into a never ending smile. But not tonight. Tonight the tears win yet again. I might dream of adventures, planning my getaway. I also get easily stuck on all the shit that I been through. Live those moments over and over again, against my will of course. I'm ugly, nobody wants me. I'm fat. I should work out more. Tomorrow i start a diet. Tomorrow I'll get my life sorted out. That 'tomorrow' I haven't met yet. All the negativity. I just want to forget, but I don't know how. My mind has a mind of it's own that I can't control. Sometimes I don't think about anything special. I plan my upcomping day, plans that I don't follow because I'm too tired. Some nights I'm in the moment. Listen to the birds sing outside my window. Stare at the walls. Why am I like this? How can I think of everything yet nothing at the same time. Brain is even bigger fool than the heart. Together they kill me with pain. I just want to sleep. Naturally. Without medication. Sleep that fills me with energy and motivation and power to start a brand new day. A new beginning. I want to go back in time when I slept like a baby. 

Created: Jun 14, 2017


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