The endless list.

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I am who I am and I've been through some shit. Every night when I lay in bed I'm transported in to the past. Reliving moment after moment, all the embarrassing, life altering, cringe worthy, experiences I've been through. It takes minutes, moments, hours to come back to the present. I open my eyes and survey my surroundings, reminding myself that all the emotions I just dragged myself through no longer hold any weight on my shoulders. Or they do, but it's not relevant to my current situation. 


Some of these reveries make my heart race. Some make me shudder in disgust, some make my eyes swell. 


In contrast I dive in to the future of unknowns. Conversations I could have, should have, but probably never will. Worst case scenarios, how I would survive a horrible accident, how I would protect my children if an intruder came creeping through our front door. What life would have been like if the past was changed. 


Sometimes I wonder how our world stays in orbit. What would happen if it shifted off course. Would it be an immediate termination of all life on earth? Would we slowly freeze, or burn? How does the universe work? What is this vastness that we're drifting through? 


Maybe we are all connected through our... souls? Our minds? How can we not be? If I knew everything about everyone I could presumably predict the future just from knowing how each person would respond to any situation. 


Water is the source of life. It is also the most quizzical thing to think about other than air. Invisible tangible life giving elements.


Actors are actually terrifying. Their job is to be someone else. Multiple someone elses. But what is also terrifying is how easy it is to fake it in our everyday lives. How are we to know what the truth is? I don't think we ever really know an entire truth. Not unless we know the entirely of all parties involved. Does anyone know you entirely? Is that even a possibility.


Can spiders tell if you have killed other spiders? 

Created: Jun 13, 2017

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