Humanity 101

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If a stranger asks for directions on the street and you don't know where the place is, don't admit that. You've lived here 10 years! Just point in random directions while arbitrarily naming street names. They'll be impressed that you know a lot of street names.


When you see the angry mother slap her toddler very, very hard across the face at your local downtown Walmart, suddenly bob your head, as if to be enjoying blaring music in your earbuds, even though they aren't even plugged in.


If you arrive at a door at the same time as a stranger, hold the door for them and say "after you" in a tone of voice that clearly indicates resentful concession.


If you own a shoddy car, be sure to remove the muffler, the people who are standing and talking on the street don't really want to be able to hear what their friends are saying anyway.


If a friend or family member ever shames you for texting or drinking while driving, make sure to reassure them by saying "I do this all the time." Once they realize the frequency of your dangerous behavior, they'll feel more comfortable.


If you live with someone else, remember, pushing the start button on the dishwasher is just as much work as loading or unloading it. If the other person complains that you never do the dishes, remind them that you pushed the button.


Never bring a knife to a gun fight. Unless, during that gun fight you'll be opening packages from Best Buy.


If a strange voice answers and you suddenly realize you've dialed the wrong number, don't acknowledge your mistake or apologize, just abruptly hang up. The other person will be glad you didn't waste their time.

Created: Jun 12, 2017


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