EXT. STORE CAR PARK - DAY
We see the entrance sign with a "Welcome" sign above it. A car drives into the carpark and it's tyres are immediately punctured by the metal spike strip. Clearly it's been fitted the wrong way.
EXT. OUTSIDE STORE - DAY
ELLEN walks toward the STORE ENTRANCE, passing a log chain of wheel-less supermarket trolleys and one OLD LADY gouging grooves in the tarmac as she struggles with one of them indicating some superhuman strength on her part.
At the Store Entrance, ELLEN encounters an automatic door - sensor operated. As she approaches, it opens but quickly closes again so she walks right into it with a full on face plant. Dusting herself off, she tries again, this time more cautiously. The door opens and shuts quickly again but ELLEN manages to wedge an arm in the door and wiggles her way into the shop.
We notice that the sign above the door saying "CONVENIENCE STORE" in neon letters flickers on and off like a fault and finally comes back on to reveal another 2 previously invisible letters so it now reads "INCONVENIENCE STORE".
INT. SHOP - CONTINUOUS
ELLEN surveys the shop. It's quite small, three walls lined with one continuous counter and stacked with BOXES and PACKAGES. Two fake-smiling SHOP ASSISTANTS (CLIVE & BARRY) stand behind the counter. ELLEN looks unsure what to do.
ELLEN: Hi... I'm just uh-- just browsing.
She picks up a CANNED CAN OPENER. Barry reaches out and SLAPS the can out of her hands.
BARRY: No browsing.
ELLEN: OK. Maybe you can help me then - I'm trying to find an anniversary present for my partner.
BARRY: Well you've come to the right place - we've got something for every occasion. Anniversary with your partner... Ooh! These are great - fingerless oven gloves?
ELLEN: Fingerless oven gloves? I don't think so--
CLIVE (interrupting):--No, no, no. I know what every girlfriend, sorry, partner, wants on their anniversary.. A bulk purchase of tampons!
CLIVE slaps a stack of tampon boxes onto the counter- brand name "TEN MINUTE TAMPONS". Each one emblazoned with the marketing claim "dissolves ten minutes after application!"
ELLEN: My partner is a guy, and even if he wasn't, just to be clear, you were going to suggest that I give someone a box of quick dissolving tampons as an anniversary present?
CLIVE: These come in a variety of fun sea-life based shapes
BARRY: From narwhal through to starfish!
ELLEN give BARRY a look ("seriously?")
CLIVE: OK.. boyfriend... Ah! How about this.
CLIVE holds up a crowbar emblazoned "RUBBER CROWBAR - NO MORE SORE TOES!"
BARRY: They're a big seller.
BARRY: Well, we bought a lot of them.
BARRY points to a display of open toed workboots. "OPEN-TOED WORKBOOTS - CONSTRUCTION WORK WITH COMFORT!"
BARRY: --Ooh, ooh! I've got the perfect gift for you. Perforated condoms!
CLIVE: Great when one of you wants kids but the other just needs a bit of convincing.
BARRY: Like already being pregnant.
ELLEN: Surely, that's not legal.
ELLEN: That's wrong on so many levels.
CLIVE: Hard to please, huh?
BARRY: OK, How about this? Brand new product - waterproof sponge!
CLIVE: Inflatable Pin cushion? Diet water? A tube of de-moisturising lotion?
BARRY: Non-stick glue?
CLIVE: Won't stick to your hands!
BARRY: Or anything else.
ELLEN: No, listen--
ELLEN is suddenly distracted as her partner, RYAN enters the shop. He's holding a box of perforated condoms.
RYAN: Hey, guys, do you do returns? Don't think I'm going this extra box. Sure I nailed it last night. Happy anniversary. No more mensiversary...
RYAN trails off as he makes eye contact with ELLEN.
ELLEN: Ryan? You used perforated condoms? What the--
BARRY: --Oh, do you know Ryan? One of our best customers!
BARRY offers RYAN a high-five.
BARRY: Congrats guys!
ELLEN (turns to CLIVE): Do you sell the morning after pill?
CLIVE: Sure do!
CLIVE slaps a box on the counter. It's baby blue and pink. The camera cuts to the "small print," which reads DOES NOT PREVENT PREGNANCY (BUT SURE MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT!). She opens the box, and her face is blasted with confetti as a tiny party horn sounds.
Created: Jun 11, 2017NottingIdiot Document Media