Inconvenience Store - DRAFT 2

Cover Image


ELLEN walks toward a shop with a glowing neon sign: "CONVENIENCE STORE." Small SIGNS posted on the automated door have bizarre hours and alternate spellings/languages of the days of the week: 3AM-5:15AM Domenica, 11:59PM-12AM Laugardagr, etc.

As Ellen reaches the door, it opens-- and then quickly closes. She walks right into it. With an OATH, Ellen backs up and tries again. The door opens and quickly shuts, but ELLEN manages to wedge an arm in.

SENSOR: (repeatedly) Please do not block the doors. You are costing us valuable air conditioning. Please do not block the doors--

Ellen ignores the warning and wiggles her way into the shop.

Above her, neon letters in the sign flicker on and off like a fault. Finally, another two previously invisible letters come on, so it now reads "INCONVENIENCE STORE".


ELLEN surveys the shop. It's quite small, three walls lined with one continuous counter and stacked with BOXES and PACKAGES. Two smiling SHOP ASSISTANTS (CLIVE & BARRY) stand behind the counter. ELLEN looks unsure what to do.

ELLEN: Hi... I'm just uh-- just browsing.

She picks up a CANNED CAN OPENER. Barry reaches out and SLAPS the can out of her hands.

BARRY: No browsing.

ELLEN: OK. Maybe you can help me then. (Barry GIGGLES, then recovers himself) I'm trying to find an anniversary present for my partner.

BARRY: Well you've come to the right place - we've got something for every occasion. How about a pair of brand new fingerless oven gloves?

ELLEN: Fingerless? I--

CLIVE (interrupting):--No, no, no, Barry; I know what every girlfriend-- sorry, partner-- wants on their anniversary... A bulk purchase of uni-corns!

CLIVE points to a stack of boxes the size of sugar cubes, emblazoned with slogans for individual corn kernels (insert corn puns here).

ELLEN: Uni-- (gets it) Riiight. Yeah, no thanks. And my partner's a guy, by the way.

BARRY: (sarcastic) Well that changes everything. How about these open-toed workboots? (Points to a displayTwo for the price of three!

ELLEN: Um...

CLIVE: Rubber crowbar? They're a big seller.

ELLEN: Really?

BARRY: Well we bought a lot of them.

ELLEN screws up her face in disapproval.

CLIVE: What about some unlightable matches?

BARRY: Or allium gum? (Holds up a packet with pictures of garlic, shallots, onions)

CLIVE: Individually-packaged toilet paper?

BARRY: Powdered-water?

CLIVE: Inedible underwear-- now available in three bold flavours: blue cheese, hot sauce, and pickled onion.

ELLEN: These are all terrible gifts.

BARRY : Ooh, ooh, I've got it; I know the perfect thing-- Perforated condoms. For when one of you wants kids, but the other just needs (exaggerated wink) convincing.

ELLEN: What? Surely, that's illegal.

CLIVE: Nope.

BARRY: Just wrong from a moral standpoint.

ELLEN: You guys are nuts.

She tries to leave, but the door won't open.

CLIVE: Hmm.. hard to please, huh?

ELLEN: I'd like to leave now.

BARRY: (talking to Clive) What about the Inflatable pin cushion?

CLIVE: (to Barry) Non-stick glue? 

BARRY: (to Clive) Oh! The dissolvable tampons--

The doors slide open, and Ellen throws herself into the arms of RYAN.

ELLEN: Ryan, thank God. (Grabs his hand, pulls him to the doors) I didn't know how I was going to get out of here--

CLIVE: Hey, Ryan, don't run off! Your order came in.

BARRY picks up a couple boxes of the Perforated condoms.

BARRY: We lost your invoice: was it two or four boxes?

ELLEN looks at Ryan in shock.

RYAN: (to Ellen) I can explain--

Fade out.

Created: May 27, 2017


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