Haunted

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Day 1
Only 12 days left of these new, stupid pills and I should be back to normal. For good this time. Let's just get this over with.

You know, I told myself that I didn't need medication, that I would start feeling better once summer came round and I could have my holiday and see Sam...and then Sam had to go...

It's stupid but I can't get her out of my head.

I miss her. She deserved longer. She's the real reason I decided to seek help. If she knew I was struggling too, she would...

Anyway. I do feel better, everything just feels a bit less foggy, more optimistic. I look forward to good results.


Day 3
Wow, it's great. I feel fresh in the morning, my workmates say my attitude is so much better, I feel amazing. No negative side effects so far. Well, I felt sluggish about 3 pm, but I did skip lunch and after I had a much needed snack I felt fine. I had some red grapes.


You know, I haven't ever had red grapes before. We only ever bought green ones since she thought the green ones were sweeter. Sam would always snack on them, especially in the evenings when I would tuck into a tub of ice cream. There she would be, just having grapes, being healthy, being adorable.

God, I miss her. It's nearly a year and I still think about her... I know she'd be proud I'm moving on and feeling better, even if it is without her.

Day 5
I am SO BAD at keeping this log. Sorry Dr Fleming, I did warn you of my busy timetable.

So far, so good I guess. I did have a headache yesterday just after a nap post-dinner. I was so tired I fell asleep watching the TV and when I woke up I had this ringing in my head that just wouldn't go away.

I know I'm not supposed to take any other medication whilst on these but I just needed some paracetamol to get me through the rest of the night.

I missed our show. I fell asleep right before her favourite sitcom. I hated it, it was just cheesy crap the comedy channel spits out for the younger audience but I suppose she was quite young. Her family never was too happy about me being 7 years older than her but she was sensible. We were sensible. I never forced her to do anything she didn't do, I swear I would never hurt her! I could never...


...I think, I'm tired.

Day 9
I saw her today.

No, I'm serious.

She's supposed to be dead but I saw her at the bus stop across from my work. I watched her for a solid fifteen minutes, it wasn't a trick of the eye. I ran out of the building to try and get to her but when I got down the bus stop was empty.

I don't understand.

Speaking of random disappearances, I do feel like I'm being followed. There's this person who I could see in my peripheral whilst walking home. I was so anxious, even when I got home. I just locked the door and went to my room. I've never been so scared. I took more of the pills, I thought it would boost my mood but they just made me more awake.

I don't think I'm sleeping tonight...

Day 10

I can't do this anymore. I don't know what's happening, whether it's the drugs, the stress from work, the craving for a holiday or just lack of sleep but I can't function.

She's everywhere. She's in my head.

She keeps screaming "It's your fault, you did it" but I didn't, I swear. She was ill, she killed herself! How was it my fault?!

She keeps screaming. I can't stop her. I CAN'T GET HER OUT MY HEAD.

PLEASE, GET HER OUT.

Day 11

GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT please GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT help GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT me GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT GET HER OUT 


Day 12

I did do it. She was right.

We were on the couch and I just wanted to watch TV. She was pissing me off. I had a rough day at work. She kept bitching and I just wanted her to shut up.

She was so loud, her voice filled my head, I couldn't hear myself think.
I hit her.

She screamed "Get out my damn house!"... I wasn't done. The cushion was the closest thing I could grab. I guess I held down too long but once the squirming stopped, there was silence. I could hear again, it was peaceful.

It was my fault.

She's here, right in front of me. She's holding a noose. She says she forgives me, she just wants me to be with her. I miss her. I want to go, I want to see her again, touch her, hear her, be with her. She knows it wasn't me.

That monster is still in this body though, the pills have helped me see it. I think I'll take her offer.

Thank you doctor, I feel so much better.

I guess I'll see you on the other side.

Created: May 25, 2017

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