My Biggest Regret

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My biggest regret in life is not living. See, when I was a mere three years of age, my mother passed away and I was placed in my maternal grandmother's care. Understandably, after losing her own child, my grandmother became very protective of me and my well being. I was a skinny child, so she was always afraid that I'd break a bone if I tripped or fell. For that reason, now at age 41, I do not know how to ride a bicycle or how to skate. I also never got to use my Easy Bake Oven. I was never aloud to sleep over at friends' houses for fear that I would be sexually abused (something she had experienced as a child). I was always told about the dangers lurking outside our house - the rape or mugging that happened down the street, the person's face getting slashed when taking a train, how I'd attract sex offenders by wearing the wrong clothes. All these thoughts swirled through my head all my life. As I headed out into high school, I never sat in the school cafeteria once, for fear that I would get beat up by school bullies. Instead, I ate lunch in the guidance counselor's office. When it came time for college, I didn't really experience the great college experience because I would go to class and come back home fearing what would happen if I stayed out too late. To this day, I have my grandmother's warnings in my head stopping me from living life. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame her for this. I know she is part of the cause of my anxiety, but at this point in my life, I have to take control of my own destiny. At 41, I feel like I haven't lived my life to it's fullest and it is my biggest regret. My anxiety prevents me from doing a lot that I want to do, butI want to devote the rest of my life to making things right and getting to experience things that I haven't before. I know that I can do it if I can just overcome my anxiety. One day at a time.

Created: May 13, 2017