Ep. 1 - Lawrence Thinks - DRAFT 2

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LAWRENCE is sitting at a chess table. He squints his eyes as
he intensely looks down at his chess pieces on the table. He
is extremely deep in thought.

My opponent. My enemy. Do not misunderestimate me. You are not my
equal. You're as insignificant to me as a discarded prophylactic in the path of a buffalo stampede. Your moves are as predictable as Nietzsche's prayer book. That's right, he didn't have one, dumbass. My talent peers down at yours from a GREAT height and laughs in its metaphorical face. Although, to be honest, it's a bit too far away really so it just kinda looks like it's laughing to itself. And I resent you for that. You've never fallen asleep playing a dozen simultaneous chess games online and woken up to find you won them all? I breathe chess. Sometimes when I cough, nearby chess pieces fall in such a way, it puts the king in check. Have you ever had a lucid dream you were punching a riderless horse? No. You don't even know what it feels like to play hide and seek in only large home appliances. You don't know defeat and it scares you. I've known defeat, and I no longer fear it. I furiously masturbate every morning like it's my last. And this will be your last.

Lawrence confidently moves one of his pawns forward.

Your move.

Your move, asshole. I hope you like lobotamies and watching black and white reruns of The Nanny while a robed crazy named Phillip jerks off in the corner. Because you just got mindfu- oh my god I forgot to DVR The Nanny! Anyway, look at you sitting there, pathetic, intellect of an amoeba. An dysentry-stricken amoeba who just shat its brains out and only realised after he already flushed. Obviously an amoeba wouldn't actually be able to use a toilet less still flush one but won't stop you from losing the most humiliating defeat of your pointless life. My Gran could play a better game than you and she has no arms. And she's dead. Look at you - flaccid sack of useless flesh -  sitting there pondering-- no,

no. No. Not that move. Not that
move. Not that move. Not that move.
Not that move. Not that-

Lawrence violently stands up from the table.

Dammit! Seriously? The Cheerio move
again? This is bullshit! How do we
even know if that's legal?

TODDLER across the table has dumped a cup of Cheerio's onto
the chess board and giggles.

I want my money back!

Toddler's mother quickly walks up as Lawrence is backing

There you are, baby! Hey, what are
doing with my son?

You hear me, you little shark? I
want my money back!

Created: May 11, 2017


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