Lassie n Timmy

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Timmy: Lassie….I’m sorry…..but you had a good life til now, right? Look I’ve got to go to college soon anyway… Mom and Dad aren’t going to pay attention to you; I’m the only one who does .…Plus, you are 10, so in dog years that is like what, 70? That is at least average…Or at the very leat it will be…I mean, they’ve all but destroyed healthcare anyway…Shit... You’ve lived a full life by the American standard…….Jesus, why did Mom have to name you ‘Lassie.’ It must’ve seemed cute to her at the time. ‘Lassie n Timmy, so freaking cute.’ Now I’m about to kill Lassie. Oh shit, what am I doing?


Vet: I’ll be with you both in just a moment…Wow!! Whew…You see and smell a lot here, but I think this is a first!! Even for me...


Timmy: He ate a giant three pound bad of dog biscuits. Among other things…


Vet: Well then (coughs/gags)…back in a jiffy...


Timmy: I’d be tried as an adult for this. Seriously, I’ve seen too many of those Celene Dion commercials. You ate like an ounce of hash in those cookies...Those dogs are all fucked up, too. I cry every time I see it. This is some serious shit!…too serious, Lassie…………………………………………..

Why did you have to eat those cookies anyway?? Chocolate is bad enough for dogs…Its my fault. I know. But what can I do? Its y-you or me girl. Ironic that this is how you are gonna rescue me for the first time(laughs)….Jesus, I can’t do this, C’mon girl.

(Timmy grabs her collar, Lassie, uncomfortable, nips Timmy)

OWWW!! Lassie!!


Vet: What’s going on in here?! Oh my…You are bleeding, son. I’m afraid I am required by law to run a full toxicology after Lassie has been put to sleep its protocol…


Timmy: What?


Vet: That bite broke the skin, we have to check for rabies…


Timmy: How do you do that?


Vet: We have to examine her brain sir…


Timmy: You are going to cut open her brain?


Vet: Yes…once we remove her head of course...


Timmy: Oh…Oh man...can I have another minute?


Vet: Take your time, son.


Timmy: Oh my god Oh my god!! What the fuck just happened? I’m going to fucking jail…Lassie, you screwed me, Lassie…Oh Jesus Christ….I’m going to hell for this I know it…All dogs go to heaven, sure, but not me. Straight to hell. God, if you are listening, get me through this please. I’m so fucked.


Lassie: (PROJECTILE VOMITS 3 lbs. DOG BUSCUITS ON TIMMY)


Timmy: Oh...Thank God.


Created: May 10, 2017

Tags: story, script, fiction, remix

JPNutz Document Media