Untainted Bacon

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Some of these are funny. Some had an effect. Some were ridiculous. Some were completely unnecessary. Without further ado:

Truth 1: "All meat is chicken, even hot dogs." As a kid, I was the stereotypical Oscar Meyer fan, straight down to memorizing the song. I also happened to be a "why" child (and arguably still am). My parents always told me that hot dogs were a different form of chicken to keep me eating chicken. Hamburgers and ground beef? Nope - dark chicken. Pork? Nope - the "other" chicken. I never realized there was meat besides chicken until eating London Broil at my Aunt's house - I called her Aunt Tuna - and said, "boy, this chicken is better than my mom's chicken." It was my first steak. Bacon was different. My parents were respectful enough of bacon to not rename that meat.

Truth 2: "If you lie, your tongue turns purple." Anytime my parents suspected I was not telling the truth, I would be asked to show my tongue. I obviously wouldn't open my mouth, so they knew I was lying. They used this lie a little late when I was able to use my creativity, as they asked me in the car to show them my tongue. What they don't know is that I purposefully lied about something trivial and looked in the rear view mirror at my tongue before they asked. I saw that it was not purple. Later in the car ride, they asked "who taught you it's alright to lie?" I lied again, but told them a name of a kid in the neighborhood that they would believe. I didn't have the guts to tell them that they did by lying about chicken and the shades in my bedroom... and my tongue turning purple.

Truth 3: "When we pull the shade down, it's night, because the sun needs to sleep, too." This is a funny/ridiculous one that predates pre-school. I was a naturally energetic and wired child.... a stubborn one, too. I knew that nighttime = sleep. Whenever they wanted me to nap or fall asleep for the night, they would bring me to my room and one would go in ahead of time to pull the shade down. They would say things like "wow, did you see how fast the sun went down!?" I would lay down, and be asleep within seconds, whether I was tired or not.

Truth 4: "If your bug bites itch, make the sign of the cross in them, and if they still itch, that means you have sins you are not sorry for." This is when I would be fidgety in public or when I was s'pose'ta be quiet (e.g. In church). Mosquitoes loved my skin, most likely because it tastes like garlic bread. I would always scratch and complain because the itching would get unbearable. One time, in church, they told me the aforementioned. This became a slight self-harming OCD tendency of mine because I thought my itchy bug bites always meant I was a sinner and had done something wrong. I began scratching my bug bites and pimples completely off - if there's no bump to make a sign of the cross, then, I can't be deemed a sinner. The real reasoning - they couldn't deal with social embarrassment of a child not sitting still.

Created: May 10, 2017


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