Sorry We're Closed (re-REmix)

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INT: LATE AFTERNOON - OLD-FASHIONED CORNER STORE/GROCERY SELLING AN ODD ASSORTMENT. EVERYTHING FROM CHOCOLATE BARS TO GARDEN FORKS.

The OWNER stands behind the counter,  he doesn't look up when the bell above the door rings as the CUSTOMER walks in.


CUSTOMER: Hi, I'd like some apples please.


OWNER  looks up briefly


OWNER: (Abruptly) Sorry we’re closed.


CUSTOMER: What?


OWNER: We're closed.


CUSTOMER: (incredulously) On a Monday?


OWNER: (Impatiently)  Yes on a Monday,


CUSTOMER: I don’t understand….


OWNER: Don’t understand what?


CUSTOMER: Why you are closed on a Monday.


OWNER:  Well it’s the Apocalypse you see (beat) We’ve got to clear up before the Four Horsemen arrive.


CUSTOMER: The four…


OWNER: Horsemen, yes.


The Customer looks bewildered


OWNER: (Impatiently) What's the matter with you? Been living under a rock have you?!


CUSTOMER: Well, I haven’t seen the news in a day or two....


OWNER (Incredulously)‘ A day or two? A day or two? The Apocalypse is coming and you haven’t had five minutes to watch the news?!


CUSTOMER: (Defensively)  Well I have been busy......


OWNER: (Interrupting) Doing what?’


CUSTOMER: What?


OWNER: Yes what! What is so important that you have been too busy for the impending Apocalypse?


CUSTOMER: Well, I had to get some shopping.....


OWNER: Some shopping?! The whole world is ending and you are out shopping? I don’t know, people today, they just......


CUSTOMER: (Interrupts quickly) So these Horsemen…


OWNER: Yes, what about them?


CUSTOMER: Are they the harbingers of the last judgement?


OWNER:  One and the same...


CUSTOMER: And there's only four of these Horsemen?’


OWNER:  Of course there's only four; Conquest, War, Famine, Death and Ill-Informed, the fifth one that rides a donkey. 


CUSTOMER: But you said there were only four...


OWNER: That's right, Four Horsemen......


CUSTOMER: But you just said and the fifth one..


OWNER: That rides a donkey yes. So by definition he's NOT a Horseman..


CUSTOMER: Oh..


OWNER: What do you want anyway?


CUSTOMER: Sorry?


OWNER: (Sighs)  Why are you here? I presume you came to buy something.


CUSTOMER: Yes, apples, but seeing as it’s the Apocalypse, I think I'll  just go home.


OWNER: Don’t be like that.


CUSTOMER: Like what?


OWNER:  I've got some lovely bananas.....


CUSTOMER: I don't..


OWNER: Cheap at half the price, tell you what, I’ll chuck in a free cat.


CUSTOMER: A free cat?


OWNER: Yep, got a surplus you see, after the plague of cockroaches came the rats,  we had to get the cats to get rid of the rats.


CUSTOMER: I don’t remember a plague of cockroaches….or rats for that matter, are you sure it’s the Apocalypse?


OWNER: Well it’s scientific fact isn’t it.


CUSTOMER: No it isn't, just because you had infestations of vermin doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world.


OWNER: Yes it does.


CUSTOMER: No it doesn’t


OWNER: No it doesn’t,,,


CUSTOMER: Yes it does, I mean..


OWNER: (Triumphantly) Hah! See you agree.


CUSTOMER: No..it


The Owner grabs a piece of rock from under the counter thrusting it towards the Customer


OWNER: If it’s not the Apocalypse, whats this then?


CUSTOMER: Looks like a piece of granite…


OWNER: A piece of….A piece of….This here is brimstone I’ll have you know! Fell on me on the way in this morning, how do you explain that?’


CUSTOMER: Maybe a bird dropped it.


OWNER: A bird? A BIRD?!…What type of bird?


CUSTOMER: A Pigeon.


OWNER: A pigeon? A PIGEON?! I’ve heard some wild ideas in my time but that one really takes the cake! (beat) Two cats.


CUSTOMER: What?’


OWNER: Two cats with the bananas...go on..


The Customer shakes his head


OWNER: ....AND I’ll put in a good word with the Horsemen…I know Famine..


CUSTOMER: What?!


OWNER: Used to drink with him down my local.


CUSTOMER: No you didn’t!


OWNER: Did too, big fella, played darts..


CUSTOMER: You’re lying.


OWNER: (Indignantly)  Am not,(beat)  he used to bring War in. Not a big talker War, never really took to him. Famine got married, the stress of it tore him to pieces, he's all skin and bone now....


CUSTOMER: So you’ve met two out of the Four Horseman?


OWNER: Three.


CUSTOMER: Three?


OWNER: Death.


CUSTOMER: Death?


OWNER: Yes, I met him, of course he was Harold back then. Nice chap always laughing, well he was, before his promotion.


CUSTOMER:To?


OWNER: Death, he got promoted to Death......


CUSTOMER: Wow, not sure I’d take that job...


OWNER: Well it has its perks.


CUSTOMER: Like what?


OWNER: For starters you're always on standby so the overtime rate and unsocial hours ups the pay packet. (beat) Plus you get a horse.


CUSTOMER: Ah,....


OWNER: I think that's why Harold took the job. He loved horses.


CUSTOMER: Really, I..


OWNER: Well, got to get on (beat) Here you go


The Owner hands the Customer a box of bananas with two kittens peeping over the top, the Customer takes the box absent-mindedly and opens the door. As he walks out we hear the thunder of hoof-beats followed by a scream. 


An INSIGNIFICANT LOOKING CHARACTER on a DONKEY appears next to the OWNER


OWNER :  Tut-tut and they call YOU Ill-Informed



END




*A tighetning up of my previous REmix, incorporating the Four Horse-Men at the end as per Challenge request



Created: May 05, 2017

Tags: sorry we're closed, script, comedy, apocolypse, fiction, remix, theme

Shonam Document Media