The quiet thoughts of heartbreak

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I thought you would have thought of me. Checked in to see how I was or at least to show you still cared a bit and that this was hard on you too.

But it's not.

You have no attachment to me anymore.

You have no feelings, except of maybe annoyance from the texts and emails. They don't come very often but I know you dread receiving them.

I feel like an annoyance.

I can't understand why I still care and you don't.

I want to make you smile, maybe even laugh sometimes. Why don't you want the same for me.

You never ask...about anything. You never send anything just because it made you think of me or something I might find funny or interesting. The kids, my life. You don't care to know.

I should walk right by. Make it easy on you. You'll be relieved. Don't have to make small talk with me while your sitting there checking me out and thinking of your girlfriend. It won't be easy on me. You always made me do the bending. Why should it be any different now.

Make it easy for you while I carry the weight of sadness and loneliness.

You don't think of me.

I'm a blur. A blip. You fall in love with everyone. I wasn't special or different. I was just a fool. Thinking that this love wasn't something to give up on or throw away, or replace.

I'm replaceable.

I was so easily replaced you did it more than once.

I don't want to feel this. I don't want to carry it on my back. But I can't throw it away. It keeps coming back. You don't think of me. I can't stop thinking about you. Can we not even this pain out a bit. Could you take some. Some of it is yours. Yours I've been carrying because you didn't want it.

You threw it away and I had to pick it up.

I hate you.

I've said it before to you. Maybe I didn't mean it then. I mean it now. I hate you. I hate that I still love you. Still want you. Crave you at times. I hate you for making me want you. I hate you for forgetting about me. For not wanting to know me. For wanting me to be a stranger. For wanting me to walk by like I've never met you. I hate you for wanting me to forget.

I'm not the one you want to tell your day to. I know that. You have someone else to tell it to. You don't want to have to tell me anything.

You don't miss the sex. We were good. Good together. In sync. It was always great. You don't miss it now so I've been replaced there too.

I hate that I sit and think about you fucking someone else. I know you don't think about me with someone else because you don't care if I am or not.

You don't want me. At all. Ever.

You want me to disappear. Become invisible.

Be careful what you wish for.

I miss you on days like this. It's nice and sunny. First warm day of spring. I'd love to be sitting beside you on your deck talking about anything or nothing. Drinking a beer. Sharing one with my dog. The day turning into evening. Instead I'm by myself. For now. I hate you. Why is that the memory I go back too. I can remember everything. Everything we did. Places we did it. Are you fucking her outside now.

I'm sitting outside tonight. Stars are out. It's not to warm or cold. Smoking a joint. I really wish you were beside me. Making me laugh. I don't laugh anymore. Not like with you. I'm not funny anymore. I was only funny with you. God I loved the way you were when you were smoking. We had so much fun. We laughed so much. Every time. I miss laughing with you. I don't laugh any more. This is tragic.

I am lonely tonight. I miss you a lot. And I know you'll be around tomorrow but I can't see you. I can't show you how weak I am. One hug, one touch too long and I want you all over again.

I can still feel your hand running down my back. Not going too far but farther than you should have. And for longer than necessary. I miss your hands. They did everything perfectly. Except when they ripped my heart out of my chest. I know this can't go on forever. But I just want someone to walk into my life and be what I need. People always walk into your life. I got one. One in ten years. I wanted to scratch your head so badly. Run my nails through your hair just like I always did. And you loved it. At least you used too.

At this point I feel unloveable.

I want to smell you again. I had a chance when you hugged me but I didn't dare. It would be too much. I'd smell your neck and want to bite your earlobe. I can still feel how it felt to fuck you. Even after being with someone else. It goes back to you. How can you not think about me when you're sleeping with her.

You piece of shit. You just had too. You couldn't spare me that pain. You had to shove the knife in further. You are a piece of shit. You are dead to me. You don't exist. Neither of you do.

You're not going to force me into situations that are humiliating and uncomfortable for me. It's not fair and uncalled for. I was keeping boundaries with you. I expect the same. I didn't send you anything inappropriate or at inappropriate times. I preferred email so that you had the choice of when you read it or not. I was only trying to be friendly. If something made me think of you or I thought you'd get a laugh out of I sent it because fuck why not. I send things to lots of people if I think it will make them laugh or related to them. I thought we had an agreement not to discuss our love lives. I didn't talk about anything in that department about myself and I didn't ask about yours. I never sent anything sexual. You probably think you know what my sexual life is but you'd be surprised. I'm disappearing for good now. It's what you want. I need too. You won't hear from me or see me. Maybe never again. It won't bother you. But now I won't be driving you to someone else. You'll have to deal with that yourself. You make me sick. 

Created: May 03, 2017


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