Negative Nostalgia

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Three years ago, I split from the love of my life.  A man I had known and been with for nearly 10 years.  The pain was one of the most unbearable things I have ever felt.  I lost my mind and found myself again, and that was the most unreal thing...leaving him helped me find me.  I found my confidence and contentedness again.  I found my love of nature and the earth.  I walk daily and it keeps me grounded.  I found so much about me that I didn't even know existed while I was in this dysfunctional relationship with him.  I lost myself while giving my all to him.

Now, I have found myself missing him lately, which is a very hard pill to swallow.  He is a recovering alcoholic and the pain from our relationship and how I was treated during the dark times is still very real.  However, the good times were amazing, we were good together and our personalities meshed so well.  It's a daily battle, thinking of him and then having to remind myself why we can't be together.  I miss him, I miss who he might've been, and I miss who he is even more than I have much before.

The pain of what-if is by far the worst pain.  It's the pain of regret, the pain of lost chances.  With death, there's a finality, you can heal...or at the least attempt to.  With what-ifs, you are forever stuck in wondering that if everything had been different, could you both had been different too.

I struggle always, and I strive to heal daily.  Some day, I will feel everything about him in a positive and nurturing way, someday I will find peace and positive nostalgia.

Created: May 02, 2017


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