Three years ago, I split from the love of my life. A man I had known and been with for nearly 10 years. The pain was one of the most unbearable things I have ever felt. I lost my mind and found myself again, and that was the most unreal thing...leaving him helped me find me. I found my confidence and contentedness again. I found my love of nature and the earth. I walk daily and it keeps me grounded. I found so much about me that I didn't even know existed while I was in this dysfunctional relationship with him. I lost myself while giving my all to him.
Now, I have found myself missing him lately, which is a very hard pill to swallow. He is a recovering alcoholic and the pain from our relationship and how I was treated during the dark times is still very real. However, the good times were amazing, we were good together and our personalities meshed so well. It's a daily battle, thinking of him and then having to remind myself why we can't be together. I miss him, I miss who he might've been, and I miss who he is even more than I have much before.
The pain of what-if is by far the worst pain. It's the pain of regret, the pain of lost chances. With death, there's a finality, you can heal...or at the least attempt to. With what-ifs, you are forever stuck in wondering that if everything had been different, could you both had been different too.
I struggle always, and I strive to heal daily. Some day, I will feel everything about him in a positive and nurturing way, someday I will find peace and positive nostalgia.
Created: May 02, 2017Panoramicsauce Document Media