Myself

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Knowing who you want to be or become should never take a step back to anything or anyone. Not that you have to do away with anything or anyone, those elements can certainly come along for the ride. To say i am the biggest regret in my life isn't about getting sympathy, its about coming to a realization, to really wake up.  


For me i didn't truly wake up until the woman i loved decided she couldn't be with me anymore.  I understand that you cannot let another  person get in the way of your growth, or to let your existence completely be about that other person. Though when it comes to my story, it truly is my first real love story. Before her, I've had friends and I've had girlfriends. I thought i had made the friends i would be around for a lifetime, and i thought maybe i had found love. I was hopeless romantic with my heart on my sleeve open to the possibility of love, but mostly craving it. When our relationship started, I was confident, i was following a goal, I was charismatic and charming. She loved that about me. But as time went on, she grew and i began to get stuck. 


I understand that in life things don't always go your way. Opportunities are missed, chances run out, risk taken backfire, and decisions or choices we make end up being wrong. If you believe in fate or destiny then you believe  that something is awaiting you or you are on your way to reach something, no matter what. Often times its just our dreams, but our dreams can either be unrealistic or we don't do the work to realize those dreams, we expect it to just land on our lap. I never expected for something to land on my lap, but i did feel like i was doing the work and that i would find myself reaching my goals, and sometimes that doesn't work out either. But I believe that in the end, it's not that you didn't reach your goal because you didn't work hard enough for it, didn't take advantage of the opportunities, or people wanted you to fail, or failed to make a choice or decision. I think an argument can be made that society shares the responsibility in this day in age, but arguing that can lead to anger and bitterness that really just harms you more than anything. 


I want to be a game designer, i want to make my own game, i want to include friends in an idea that i believe in. After graduating college with my degree i thought i had great work, a great work ethic and that i could get some interviews. And i would submit my portfolio, i would apply, I would work with my schools career services to create something better, i put my faith in a system that I shouldn't have. And with every resume i sent out, with every company i tried to get into, not getting those phone calls would kill me a little bit of me. When you hang around the phone waiting on that call from someone, that chance or opportunity to get where you are going, it can become the most frustrating and discouraging part. That self doubt slowly starts creeping up into your mind. 


I started to doubt my skills, my decision to enter the school i did, to pursue this career. And even though i would keep telling myself that I'm still pursuing it and that i still believe i can get there, that doubt had found a way to hold on. I started second guessing my career choices, the places i would send my resume to, the mentors i had and the advice they gave me. My heart would tell me that I knew what i wanted and that I should go for it. Then my head would chime in, "I mean its possible i guess", "it might not happen any time soon", "maybe if your stuff was better". When self doubt starts crawling in your head, and those calls aren't coming in, and your temporary job prospects aren't good enough for you, life starts hitting you problems, you find yourself in quicksand. 


Self doubt is an evil bastard. I grew up in a neighborhood that basically said "this is where your headed". I was gonna be a gang member or i was gonna live in poverty. My parents worked hard to try and give my brother and i better futures. They were the first of their families to immigrate to this country for those opportunities, and still are. My father knew we weren't in the best place, but its all he could afford. But he worked harder. Eventually the home we moved to was bigger, the neighborhood was nicer. The people were good honest people following the same goals. That life i was heading towards changed. I learned from my father that we don't have  to give into one possible outcome. Although we had tough times, he never stopped believing that thing could get better, doubts were not going to stop him. 


The thing with self doubt is that when its in there, its really in there. I was letting doubt control my ability to see a better future, to believe my dreams could become reality. And as Doubt started affect my professional aspirations, it began to dig into my personal ones. I believed My girlfriend was happy with me, I believed i was making her happy and we were both pursuing the same life. When my professional life was stalling, the energy i would put forth towards it began to dwindle. Doubt had made me lose who i was and what i wanted to be as a person. I WANT to be a game designer, who makes great games that people want to play. I WANT to tell great stories within those games, to keep people intrigued by the characters and how they grow. I WANT people to struggle through my games many obstacles and puzzles and feel like with each one they passed they felt like they accomplished something cool. But the "I WANT" became the "I wish i could". Doubt was draining me. 


With every day that passed and not a single phone call was coming, and rejection emails, I felt that even though i was failing myself, i was failing her even more. My energy for the professional goal was gone and i couldn't let it take the woman i loved too. She and I had conversations about where our future was going, about the goals we had for ourselves and together. We tried to stay on the same page, but i had become a weaker version of myself. I thought that so long as i could keep her smiling i could keep her happy and us together. Maybe something would happen and i could get back what i had lost in myself. But i wasn't living up to what I believed I could be, with the life i knew i could build for us. Instead my mind convinced me that what i had was good enough. The man she had fallen in love with was mostly gone now. 


I wanted to hate her, i wanted to believe that she was to blame. In the end i believe we both shared responsibility in the demise of the relationship. We both made choices we felt were the right ones but weren't at all. We adapted in the wrong ways to the changes we were going through.  and although its been more than 6 months since i last saw her, i'm still very much in love with her, except i have just gotten use to her not being there. 


I am my own regret because rather then to make a conscious decision to fight no matter what, i let my fire die. I use to look at things and think " i can do that", and it became just another impossible dream to let the most fortunate people have. "I WILL HAVE MORE" became "Can i have more?", to "that's not in my future". Things always happen in our lives, things that shape us, things that stick with us. But we can never forget, that it isn't all we are. We are the makers of our own destiny, we make decisions and choices. People who say there aren't other options aren't looking for them. They are satisfied with what they find, or don't care to look deeper, or both.


I use to look back at life and think, "that's why things didn't happen for me". Pointing out every event, and trying to show reason as to the ripple affect it created to all other events. But life truly is just a series of moments. Shit will always hit the fan, thats just how it is. What we choose to do afterwards is the most important part. We will fail, we will always fail, failure is a guarantee in life, its a part of life. Guess what, success is also. Self doubt is a very damaging hole you can dig yourself into, it can be so unforgiving and traumatizing. It can beat you down to a dark place. The one thing you have to remember is, you decide, you make that choice, you are responsible, YOU YOU YOU. No one is gonna pull you out, no one is gonna magically make it better, no one can fix you. YOU have to I've yourself that rude awakening that you are where you are because of you. And you can decided whether you are gonna make it better or you are gonna stay down. Life doesn't force you to submit, to accept or to let go of your dreams or goals. Don't let yourself feel like you cant find your way out of that, as hard as it might be, just find a small starting point. Build on that and keep going, don't let yourself be discouraged even when things happen, expect the failures and mistakes, welcome them. And realize, its not the end of anything, its not gonna keep you from moving forward. Mental blocks are like the dams that hold water from flooding the rest of the world, but you can break down that dam, you can make it crumble to the ground. Let the flood of everything great about you come out. Failure is giving up on success, success is not giving up after failure. I continue to dig myself out of my hole, and even though its hard at times, i know its worst to stay down at the bottom. I regret that i didn't fight for myself before. But I will fight for myself for now on. 



Created: Apr 26, 2017

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