My Second First

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My first thought of the day was one of excitement:

"I have to prepare for my interview...and I can't wait!"

My first thought of the day was significant because it represented a string of firsts.

Second, third and fourth firsts.

It was the first time I had been excited to participate in my own career.

I had been offered the opportunity to interview for an Editor position in Berlin, where I have moved to live with my partner, and this thought fell calmly into a sequence of synchronicity with life that I had not felt since my first first: when I met my partner.

Meeting her, tentatively asking her to have a drink with me, allowing myself to cultivate a life with another person who I actually enjoyed, was the the first time in the first chapter of my life that I authentically began making choices of my own. To live a life that I wanted to live; not dictated by others, shepherded by loved ones or indoctrinated by society. Sincerely, honestly and unashamedly mine.

Naturally with these choices came a new collection of uncertainties and anxieties, but these excited me because the butterflies filling my stomach felt like drive, motivation, not worry. The insecurities seemed worth it because they were encouraging me towards a life that inspired me. As I grew, these fell away and a still confidence began, slowly, to take their place. The steps I was taking, and the choices I was making, came so naturally because they felt right; the choices I had been destined to make since I began reading and writing as a child, before I let expectations, uncertainty and fear take control.

At first the dazzling beauty, confidence and ferocious intelligence of my partner had intimidated me. Today I awoke to her purring into my shoulder. At first the notion of writing and editing wonderful, creative, new pieces of art, produced by others and especially myself, was too daunting to comprehend. I did not love myself enough to think I deserved it. I could not express love enough to manifest it. Today I awoke excited to participate in my own career.

My first thought of the day represents the second part of my life that I chose for myself.


Created: Apr 26, 2017

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