Confessions of a HitRecorder

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When I joined HR I thought I would:

• Collaborate with more people. Most of the things I create come from my own brain and it makes me sad that I'm not able to work with as many people as I'd like to or want to. On the flipside, doing a double degree is damn hard work and I would hate to feel like I'd be letting my imaginary/hypothetical collaborators down if I'm focusing everything on my studies. I do miss being able to interact with people though. 

• Contribute every week to collaborations like the WWC or the TCC. I wish I was a robot and had infinite time to create but sadly I am a human with limited creative capacities - especially during the semester!

• Make friends. Even though I don't communicate as often as I should - and I'm sorry for that - I've managed to talk to and interact with a lot of people that have become artistic acquaintances, friends and parental like-figures for me. So many of you have impacted me and helped me grow and I am more thankful to you than I can say. 

When I joined HR I never thought that:

• There would be people who thought I was a good writer. I'd gotten compliments from teachers, friends, family - but it's another thing to receive compliments and love from strangers, from people who don't know anything about you or about what you contribute except for what's right in front of them. I can't tell you how much this feedback has meant and how much it has made my confidence grow.

• Anyone would relate to what I'd written. Some of my pieces are non-fiction and relevant to very specific feelings/events I've had in my life - so I'm always in awe when people tell me that they've gone through similar things too. I love it when art brings out universal feelings and if someone feels that way about me or about something I've made, then I've done my job right. 

• I wouldn't have time for it. I thought I'd be on here continuously making art. I don't like the fact that I have to take massive gaps away from it. I end up missing out on collaborations I would have loved to have been part of and random challenges that are popular now but irrelevant in three months. It makes me sad that I'm unable to contribute as much as I would like to and that I'm unable to connect with more of you  - or the people I know in greater depth.

• I would be self-conscious to post my writing. Sometimes I write pieces that are supposed to go up on here, but then they don't. It's not anything to do with you HR, it's me. Sometimes I write something, and I think it's good. But then I worry: what if it's not as good as what I've written before? What if the things I wrote before - when I was sadder and miserable - are better than the things I'm able to make when I'm happy? And that's why,  they'll end up sitting on my computer, occasionally unfinished, sometimes entirely forgotten. 

• I would be simultaneously elated and absolutely terrified to try out new things. Some days it feels awesome - I've made videos, written scripts and created some decent graphic design-y pieces. But for other things I would love to try out (i.e. doodling every day, reciting poems, making short films) all I can think of is: What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not as good as [insert wonderful HitRecorder here]? What if I suck? What if no one likes it? And I don't know how to get over it.

• I'd be remixed. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that: my poem would be remixed as a song (Thanks tinderlocks!), or that a remix I'd made would be remixed again as an animation (Thank you Zork!) or the countless other poems, illustrations, videos etc. people have produced over things I've made. Whenever it happens it's always a blessing and it always makes me feel super appreciated.

• There would be so many people whose work I would come to admire, respect, cherish, envy (in a good way!) and adore. I mean - I'm 99.999% sure I knew that this would be the case, but I'm every time I'm on here I'm completely blown away by how talented, infectiously positive and welcoming everyone is on here. I can't tell you how nice it feels to come to a place like this when I'm feeling tired/stressed/sad/alone. It brightens up my mood. 

Created: Apr 26, 2017

Tags: confessions, confessions of a hitrecorder, essay, non-fiction, self-doubts, good enough, apologies for the length of this, forgive my for my non-fictional lengthy essay pieces :p, maybe it's a bad idea to overshare but screw it

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