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“did it work? are you finally thin enough? did the ribs finally win him over? is he more gentle now? does he shake when you touch him because your little fingers are forever cold? do you ever wonder if he’d like you how you were before, like i did? with that tummy and those cheeks that i loved to kiss? does he get to see pictures of before, or is he stuck loving this new and worse off you who controls the amount of food he’s allowed to cook at once and washes pots and pans seven times before using them again just to make sure all that gross stuff has gotten off and won’t get on this food you decided would be okay to make simply because you haven’t eaten a thing all day or maybe for two days or three or, god forbid, four. you don’t know what it’s like to have lost the one you love in so many different ways and you don’t know what it’s like to be me and you don’t know what it’s like to love you so much and you don’t know what it’s like to be happy and i did my best, i did my best to make you happy but you never ever were and i just want to know if he makes you happy. does he make you happy?”

“make me happy? how could anything possibly make me happy? do you remember that night when i fell asleep in your arms while we were watching some stupid tv show that you thought was so funny and you didn’t want to turn it off and i said well fine, don’t turn it off just sit here and watch this crap i’m going to bed! and you hugged me so so so tight and you were so warm that i just fell asleep right there? i couldn’t help it, i was so cold i couldn’t move because you’re stronger than i am and i love you, i loved you in that moment. i loved you then and i love you now and i have never not loved you. you kept me warm and you made me smile and you never ever just wanted to fuck me. you would always just lie down and play with my fingers and kiss my nose while i smiled and asked for cuddles and real kisses, not those stupid nose kisses even if they made me smile. not until you eat something; you’d tease me about it. he never teases me about it. he ignores it. you never made me happy but at least you tried. you gave up on me, remember?”

Created: Dec 30, 2010


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