Anniversary/Absence

By beingpaloma

Dear All,


This is a little early but I'll still be in hospital on 13th September, my actual hitRECordersary, and unable to do something then. Tomorrow, an ambulance will pick me up from home to go to the specialist hospital in London, which will roughly be a three hour journey. On Friday I'll have major surgery, with the consultant and registrar working simultaneously for most of the day, followed by intensive care and hopefully ready to come back home around mid-September. So that's that.


The long-term recovery period is at least a year, but in the short-term the first 2-3 months will be a critical time and, I don't believe anything will ever be the same again for me. It's not a cure, but it's an opportunity. I'd like to think I'll reconnect on hitRECord as soon as I get home, but somehow I don't feel that'll be immediate. It's been a traumatic three years, with intolerable physical pain every day. I've been here with you, in the worst year of my life and, I know you didn't know it.


I want to apologize to all of you who have given me 'heart attacks' and/or regularly supported my work in the past 2-3 months, if I haven't been able to show my appreciation in the usual way. I thank you now from the depths of my heart and sincerely tell you that every single heart meant something to me. I haven't been able to leave many comments, no matter how much I may wish to, because the sense of overwhelm has been so great that I've only been able to recommend.


For most of my life, I've been known for always smiling, no matter how tricky the circumstances. But dis-ease changed everything, and I realised that control is a fragile illusion. Suddenly I was crying in public, when I was someone that only cried in private. Debilitating symptoms crush the toughest person, and makes one unrecognisable. But I didn't lose my smile until this current relapse of almost three years. My creativity and connections on hitRECord helped it return!


If you know me even a little, you may have noticed that my output significantly reduced around the end of May when I returned to hitRECord after a break. I mean, I used to release a record practically every day, but then that rhythm changed due to more health instability. Anyway, I've still managed to average about 30 records per month from my total, so I'm pleased. Quality counts more than quantity with someone like me, and on reflection I believe I gave my best HERE.


In the resources I've included some remixes of my art (mostly poems), which delighted me no end when I saw each piece for the first time. At times I was unable to produce my own art, so one of the unique things that I loved most about hitRECord, was having the capacity to remix someone else's work or represent it from a certain perspective. This particularly gave me joy if the work had somehow passed unnoticed, and then finally received all the love it deserved via the remix.


It's a win-win situation in this community. I don't have the words for all the great things I wish I could express about what a wonderfully warm bunch hitRECorders are and how much your caring has meant to me on so many levels for the past year. I only came here for a look-see by pure chance and, it never crossed my mind about making friends. It's been a magical rollercoaster ride that remains completely awe-inspiring to me. This was only meant to be a creative diversion.


Initially I felt I had nothing to offer, and I wasn't sure if I belonged, because I'd lost my confidence. I understand now that there are many here who contribute as part of a creative release for self-healing, as they also try to cope with dis-ease. I have no comfort zone, so my experience is a little different than most people, but I've still attempted new things I'd never have thought of doing, even when I was healthier. Maybe I didn't achieve anything, but I was fully present here.


I rarely spoke about my daily life situation. I'm not about to start. I've felt nothing but intense endings these past few weeks. I'm confident this is all great preparation for the new life awaiting me, after the expected obstacles. I've projected into the universe some good things to look forward to. Mostly it has to do with reconnecting with friends, but I'm always happy to make new ones wherever I travel, to fulfil the nomadic wanderlust in me that's had to lay dormant ;-)


As soon as possible I'm planning to jump on a plane after almost three years housebound! First, Barcelona to visit a dear friend who may then take me to Paris, where he previously lived for years before returning home. Then Cyprus, to see a friend I've been missing and if I go to LA now, there's not only my sister-friend living there, but a whole bunch of hitRECorders to meet! Of course I don't have the financial funds to make even one of these journeys, but I'm dreaming possibilities.


After the one year recovery period from the operation, or more likely during it, I'll be able to start thinking about working again. To me, being able to work was always the best way to feel myself having a relatively normal life. But I'm keenly aware that I can't go back to what I used to do, although I can carry forward the skills and experiences into whatever I do choose. Now, I can only consider what I'm passionate about. And then, I must project a way to earn cash from that.


Writing was my first love, and I hadn't written fiction since my teenage years before contributing on hitRECord. But a few pieces that were featured were remixes of other's work, and actually that's no surprise, because in the 'real world' one of the things I know I'm great at is promoting other people (and editing!). I tend to be a 'behind the scenes' kind of person. I can always see the potential in another person, easily. So, thanks to all the 'behind the scenes' hitRECord staff!


I was so lucky that on my first day at hitRECord, tentatively releasing my first record, I was welcomed by the loveliness that is Murker. I honestly thought everyone got an automatic welcome on their first record, but I know now that's not the case. I'm lucky to say that we became friends. Well, everyone in the hitRECord community is a potential friend that you can ask to play: making art together, collaborating on projects, just having fun, sharing stories and scattering hearts.


We all know the god-like presences here, that are the foundation of HitRECord and who make a place for you at the table, but I'll get into trouble if I try to name them (like saintmaker and humberfloob!) because I'm bound to forget someone. So anyway, you know who you are! If we're already in touch by email, then you know I value your friendship and love you for being here. And the most magical connexion I was fortunate enough to make was my sister dancingfairy.


Maybe you think you don't know me, and it's true you may not have the specific details of my life, but if you consider my creative contributions then you know my heart and, there's nothing more important than that in understanding who I am or was. If I never come back, then I leave the love in my heart with you, because that's all I ever had to give. I leave you with hugs and kisses. And all my gratitude, to Dan and Joe for creating the space for this community. Thanks for reading!


Love Paloma


“What we call the beginning is often the end

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

The end is where we start from.” - T.S. Eliot


“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again.” - Pema Chödrön


“Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.” - Rabindranath Tagore 

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Anniversary/Absence

Created: Aug 31, 2016

Tags: love, beginnings, endings, beingpaloma, dove, being human, sunset, alive, sunrise, fire, phoenix, rebirth, faith, light, encouragement, understanding, compassion, kindness, smile, kisses, hugs, love of my heart, whole hearted, best of me, operation, absence, life, creativity, friendship, hitrecorders, community, one love, one year, 1st hitrecord anniversary, bless you for reading it all, so sorry it's a long testimonial, please take a piece of cake if you read this far

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