Feb 29, 2016 3:46 AM
A few years ago one of the psychiatrists I saw suggested I should try writing down details of my nightmares so he could help interpret and analyze them at my next appointment. I remember him saying it might also help overcome my terror of heights. I never went back for the next appointment since he was kind enough to offer the Ambien prescription during the first appointment.
About two weeks ago I started having very vivid nightmares again, even worse than the previous ones. so I've decided to try this diary idea by myself on my laptop. This time the nightmare voice keeps repeating, "Jessica, don't turn around"
I wish I had an Ambien.
March 3, 2016 3:37 AM
Just had the same nightmare again where I wake up inside of another nightmare and I am unable to move, but am aware of my surroundings. I can feel my husband's body up against mine as I try to utter the scream igniting the rocket ride back to reality. I hear the voice speak my name and warn me not to turn around.
I cannot move. My mind races. I try closing my eyes as my body rises up from bed in full display leaving me there in frozen observance between the bed sheets watching it slowly walk towards the dresser mirror.
I can hear my husband, Chris, lightly snoring beside me and can feel Stryder's furry body up against my leg down at the foot of the bed. His legs thrash about as if he were chasing after something in his own animal dream and I hear his muffled growling.
I can see the digital display on the clock change from 3:01 to 3:02 so I know I'm awake. The growling increases with each step I take towards the mirror. I don't want to look at the reflection but am told not to turn around. I am terrified to do either one but have to choose.
I wake up sitting in bed gasping for breath. It was only after calling out their names that I realize I am alone in bed.
I am not married, and I don't own a dog.
Who is Chris and Stryder?
March 5, 2016 3:10 AM
Had the nightmare again, decided to make another entry about it. I wake up terrified beside a sleeping husband and a dog. After a short burst of reality relief, I then realize I am still in the nightmare only to wake up gasping for breath all alone.
Laptop battery almost dead :(
March 11, 2016 3:22 AM
Back again. Same shit. I remember something the Ambien doctor had jokingly mentioned when I told him I seemed to always wake up from the nightmares around 3 AM. He said that wasn't unusual for people suffering from depression and then went even further stating he also found it ironic that 3 AM is known as the 'Witching Hour' and folklore suggests this is the time of night when ghosts and demons are at their most powerful and witches come out of the darkness to steal souls.
So yea, maybe some more Ambien armor would help with that.
March 12, 2016 3:17 AM
Went to a movie with Rick and came home. I think I fell asleep around 2:40 and the voice woke me up just minutes afterward it seems. This time, when I heard the words I could feel them brush against the back of my neck in icy cold breaths of air only inches away. Inches away from my skin. I watch my own lips mouth the words in the mirror. I repeat 'Don't turn around' in sync with the cold breath voice behind me.
I almost did turn around.
Maybe that would help stop this?
March 13, 2016 3:13 AM
They're getting worse and more frequent. Three consecutive nights in a row. I think I will turn around in the nightmare and see what happens. What can it hurt? I can't go on like this. No sleep. Bags under my eyes. Co-workers watching me.
One even suggested I call a doctor and gave me a number.
March 15, 2016 3:28 AM
Woke up in another sweat and remembered the piece of paper my co-worker handed me yesterday with a doctor's phone number. I will call the doctor later today.
March 15, 2016 2:45 PM
The receptionist said the doctor I requested was booked through April and wanted to know if I would be willing to see a different doctor instead at their practice who had an available opening tomorrow at 2 PM. He specialized in sleep disorders. I said okay that is fine. She told me his name was Dr. Magnella and to come 45 minutes early since I was a new patient.
March 16, 2016 12:32 AM
Little after midnight. Can't sleep and that doctor's name is still bothering me. Magnella. Sounds familiar. I will make coffee, and google him. Better than the alternative I guess, but I need sleep.
March 16, 2016 1:00 AM
OMG I can barely think straight...
His first name is Christopher. His wife died in a horrible accident two years ago when they were vacationing in Colorado on a hiking trip. The news article included a photograph of Dr. Magnella and his wife, Jessica, posing with a dog in happier times.
I remember Dr. Magnella now.
He's the Ambien doctor I went to see a couple years back. I remember him talking about his dog. I don't understand any of this. I can't go back to him. He will think I'm fucking crazy and they might admit me again. I'm going to drink more coffee and try to Netflix myself past 3 to miss the fucking witching hour.
March 16, 2016 1:15 PM
So I see he has joined a new practice. I think he will be surprised to see me again. I hope so. I remember how he said, "Jessica, don't turn around" right before he pushed me off that cliff. Falling in a nightmare.
That's how it felt.
I could hear Stryder barking up on the ridge as I fell. I waited for the moment to come where I would wake up sitting in bed gasping for breath.
It never came.
I miss my dog.
I will go get him once I leave my husband's office.
I have the knife in her purse, along with her wallet, ID and car keys. This will be my last entry, as I'm not much for journals and this poor girl is an absolute wreck. I can feel her foot tapping out nervous beats in step with anticipation of what's going to happen when the receptionist calls her name telling her the doctor will see her now.
I feel her resisting.
I give the gentleman sitting across from me in the waiting room a bright cheery smile when he glances up from his golf magazine and he looks back down at clubs.
I cannot wait to see how the good doctor interprets our nightmares.
The poor dear.
She can barely type this entry of mine on her iPhone. She needs comforting. I know she's thinking about that exit door behind us and her car out in the parking lot.
She wants to leave.
I reach down deep inside for something soft, and then whisper, only inches away, what to type just as the receptionist calls out our name.
Jessica, don't turn around.
Created: Mar 16, 2016Document Media