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I wanted to vomit I was so angry. My hands shook and my heart wanted to fly out of my chest it was pounding so hard. How could you?

He just looked at me, his eyes clear and soft and yearning. Those eyes, those beautiful green eyes that I loved so much and I thought loved me just as much. I hated those eyes. I wanted to pluck them from his head and stomp on them for lying to me.

“Why?” It was one word but it was the only thing I could make come from my mouth and it was only a whisper. It was so faint the wind could have carried it away like a leaf.

“I couldn’t stop myself. I was drunk, you were out of town. We were fighting and she was there and I was so heartbroken. I didn’t know what to do,” he replied his voice far too calm for the situation.

“You didn’t know what to do? You didn’t know what to fucking do?” He face cringed when I cursed. He hated hearing me curse. He thought it made me sound stupid and was demeaning to anyone I was cursing in front of.

“Rubs. Please. It was a mistake. I thought we had broken up. I thought you didn’t want me anymore. I needed some sort of comfort,” he pleaded. That calm was slipping away and it made me feel good. Not good enough though. Without thinking I strode across the room and punched him in the face. It wasn’t very hard, I wasn’t that strong, but the shock of it was enough.

“Don’t fucking lie to me! Comfort my fucking ass! You wanted to get laid and I wouldn’t fucking do it! Be fucking honest with me dammit! DON’T LIE TO ME ANYMORE!” I screamed. I had grabbed him by the head and was forcing him to look me in the eye. Those beautiful green eyes were so sad at that moment I lost my nerve and pulled his head to my chest. I stroked his head and kissed his hair and squeezed him tight to my chest.

I felt his tears before I heard them. I felt the hot dampness of them on my chest and then the sobs followed. His whole body shook as he latched his arms around my waist and cried. The sounds coming from him were heart-wrenching. I didn’t want to hear them. I didn’t want to feel them.

Slowly I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes once again. Those beautiful green eyes were coated in tears. His face was red and there was snot dripping from his nose. Slowly I kissed him, softly and only once before turning away and walking out the door.


“You’re gorgeous,” he whispered into my neck. I knew he was lying to me, I knew he had a girlfriend who was looking for him, and I knew he was drunk. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care and for a moment it seemed like that was true. Besides he smelled so good and felt so hard above me.

“Take off your pants,” he ordered as he fumbled with his zipper. My breath caught in my throat. I wasn’t expecting this, not yet at least.

“Um, okay,” I replied but my voice sounded foreign, like it belonged to someone else. This wasn’t me beneath him, it wasn’t but I couldn’t turn back now. My fingers shook as I worked at my leggings, rolling them down slowly. When they reached my ankles and slipped off my feet my throat tightened. A part of me kept screaming, This is not right! This is wrong! But I pushed the voice to the back of my head where it was muffled by the jackets I was resting on.

“Fuck yes,” he mumbled as his hand slipped into my underwear. His fingers were cold and horrifying and for a second I wondered when the last time he washed them was.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked. That voice that I had shook to the background came roaring back, Are YOU sure you want to do this? He ignored me and I ignored it. Before I knew it he had positioned himself and then there was pain and I was crying. The tears were silent and my teeth were clenched to keep the sobs from pouring out of me.

I put myself somewhere else. I tried to remember why I was doing this but nothing helped. I wanted to vomit and pound on his chest with my fists but that wouldn’t be enough. It wouldn’t make him stop and it wouldn’t turn back the hands of time. Slowly the tears stopped and my breathing slowed and my heart turned cold and it was okay and I was okay.


“How am I supposed to feel, for shit’s sake? You’re fucking my ex-boyfriend, you didn’t even tell me! I had to find out for myself!” She screamed but it didn’t really sound like a scream. Something about her voice was so weak I don’t think she could sound angry even if she tried.

“Since when do I have to check with you with if something I do, which in all reality is NONE of you business, is okay?” I replied trying not to laugh at how weird her face looked right now. Her lips were pressed into a thin line, thinner than usual, and her nostrils were flaring.

“When it comes to my ex you should’ve checked,” she answered. Her eyes were getting glossy and her cheeks were getting red. I hope she doesn’t start crying, I thought with a sigh.

“Sorry but for the sole reason that he is your EX-boyfriend makes me think that you’re approval really doesn’t matter.”

“Shit, stop being such a bitch and apologize! You crossed the line!” She screamed, her thin lips had spread wide and I could see her lack of tonsils. She was crying but I could tell that she didn’t want to be from the way she furiously wiped at her face.

“No, I don’t have to apologize. There was no line to cross. You two broke up, you have a new boyfriend, and we’re just fucking. It’s not that big of a deal so calm the fuck down. Jesus.”

I didn’t wait for her answer; I didn’t give a flying fuck. When I walked through my door I noticed he was putting his pants back on, “I figured I’d better go before I started anymore drama.”

Laughing I pushed him back onto the bed and straddled him. My lips were against his ear and my hands were pulling his hands away from his zipper, “But drama turns me on.”


I read his words and they were so true and so beautiful that I suddenly felt a horrible shame. It burned my cheeks and with more force than intended I slammed his notebook shut. “What? You don’t like?” He asked, gently he pried the notebook from my clenched hands.

Slowly I flexed my white knuckles and replied, “That’s not it.” I frowned, my voice had grown so thin and my throat was so thin that it was hard to get air into my lungs.

“Then what is it?” He asked while flipping through the notebook.

“It’s beautiful. It’s honest. It’s incredible, actually. I love it.”

I couldn’t bear looking at him with his honest words and his glowing brown eyes. His cheeks were turning pink with the compliments and he grew that much more adorable. Looking at his face I began to feel lighter than air. My chest expanded despite how tight my throat felt. I couldn’t talk; all I could do was smile at the smile that was spreading across his face.

“Thank you, Ruby, thank you so much. You have no idea how important your opinion is to me,” he whispered, “You know, I wrote this for you.”

I almost didn’t catch the last part he spoke so quickly. The words fell out of his mouth in a jumble and I could tell that it was hard for him to say them. My heart stopped beating and my mouth dropped, “But, but what you wrote, what you wrote was so unbelievable! Why would you write something so amazing for me?”

“Well, why do you think? You’re amazing, Ruby, you really are.” His eyes were so honest it broke my heart.

“You hardly know me. Jay, you can’t know that about me. You don’t know what kind of person I was,” I replied quietly.

He smiled and grabbed my hand, “And I don’t care. I know who you are now and that’s what matters doesn’t it?”

Before I could stop myself I stood up, yanking my hand away from his. I felt my mind begin to reel as my heart began to reach out of chest to grab him. I love you, I whispered in my head before turning and running out of the restaurant. I was around the corner when I realized just how hard I was crying. My breath was ragged and my chest heaved but I couldn’t stop the tears.

I heard feet pounding behind me and before I could react two arms were wrapped around me. Instinctually I started kicking and fighting, trying desperately to break free but the arms held tight. “Ruby, its me.”

Slowly I stopped moving and spun around. His eyes were smiling at me and without a second thought I threw my arms around him pressing my face into his chest. When I regained my cool I whispered into his sweater, “I don’t deserve you. I’m no good, you should run while you still can.”

“I don’t think so, not getting rid of me that easily.”


I kissed his cheek and snuggled into his chest, the few hairs that were there tickled my face and made me smile. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and we both looked out the window and watched as the sun rose. It was gorgeous, the colors blending and twisting into each other, “God, that’s beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful,” he said as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I grimaced and playfully punched him in the side, “I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.”

“So classy, such a classy lady. If only I could be as classy as her,” he said with a smirk.

“Damn straight, bitch.” He laughed and pushed me off of him. Slowly he stood up and walked towards the window. I pulled myself up on one elbow and admired his ass; he had such a cute ass. Slowly he turned around and I quickly averted my eyes. He didn’t need to know how cute I thought his butt was.

“You were checking out my, ass weren’t you?” He asked with a smile. I could feel my cheeks grow red hot and I shook my head violently, “You were! Well, it’s understandable. I have a great ass.”

A loud guffaw exploded from my mouth before I could help it. He laughed in victory and walked back to the bed. He sat down, his back resting against the headboard, and stretched his arms out to me. Reluctantly I sat up and positioned myself between his thighs pressing my back to his chest. He pushed my hair away from my neck and kissed the spot where my neck and shoulder met. It was so gently that I shivered and cuddled into him even more. I felt him smirk against my skin and all that did was send yet another shiver down my spine.

“Ruby,” he whispered.

“Yes?” I whispered back. Smiling I turned my head and kissed him gently. When I pulled away I noticed how serious his face looked. That look instantly killed any sort of after-sex buzz that I had been experiencing, “Jay, what is it?”

“I don’t know how to do this,” he replied. His eyes were cloudy and kept flicking away from mine. My chest tightened and butterflies took flight in my stomach. My entire body was set on edge.

“Do what, baby?” I asked. My mouth had gotten cotton-y and it was hard to speak. I kept licking my lips as if that would make the cotton-y feeling go away.

“I need you to close your eyes,” he said softly. Whatever feelings I was experience a few seconds before did a spin and twisted and morphed into confusion. I knew it was all over my face but this was such an odd request and it didn’t help that his eyes were still so hard looking.

“Close my eyes? Okay, baby.” Slowly I closed them and waited. I felt a shift in the bed as he stood up, soon after his footsteps leaving the room and walking down the hall. My heart was pounding and I grew more and more nervous with each second. Just as I was about to open my eyes I heard him come back into the room and shut the door behind him. As he sat down the bed creaked, but he wasn’t behind me anymore but in front of me.

“Alright, open your eyes,” he whispered. Without a moment’s hesitation my eyes were open and searching his face. There was anticipation and a little bit of fear. That’s when I noticed the box. It was small and white with a lime green ribbon on it.

“Go ahead, take it,” he said pushing the box towards me. As I reached for the box I realized that my hands were shaking and those butterflies had turned into Mexican jumping beans.

I pulled on the ribbon and it slipped away easily enough. I held my breath as I took the top off and pushed aside the thin tissue paper. Sitting in the middle of the box was a key attached to a keychain. The key was silver and pretty basic looking but it was the keychain that really caught my attention. The charm on the keychain was a bottle cap, one of those twists off caps from beer bottles. It was my favorite wine cooler brand.

“What’s the key for?” I asked as I took the key out of the box and looking at him.

“What do you think it’s for?”

“The apartment? You’re giving me a key to your apartment?” I said with a smile.

“I’m doing more than that, Ruby. I want you to live with me. I want you here when I go to sleep and when I wake up. I want to see your clothes in the closet and your toothbrush in the bathroom and your dirty dishes in the sink. Live with me,” he said eagerly.

My eyes watered and I laughed causing a stream of tears to pour down my face. His face instantly went into shock and hurt. Quickly I threw my arms around him, laughing and crying into his shoulder. I couldn’t think or speak I was so happy, “Of course! Of course I’ll live you with! God, you scared me!”

“I scared you! You’re the one who started crying!” He shouted into my hair but his voice sounded thick and clogged. Pushing him away I looked at his face, he was crying and laughing as well. Naturally that made me laugh and cry even harder. I pulled him close and plated kisses all over his face tasting his tears. In between kisses I whispered, “I love you” over and over again.

Created: Oct 23, 2010


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