Marvin the Man-eating Marmoset

By RichieMillennium

A group of 20 or 30 villagers are gathered in a small auditorium for a village meeting.

Mayor Ned: Now that we've settled the dispute about whether banjos may be carried in public without a license, and whether a bright red bow trimmed with bits of frilly lace might serve as the official banjo license, I move that we adjourn this village meeting.

Trucker Tim: Mayor Ned! I have an urgent piece of business that must be brought before the village!

Mayor Ned: Very well, I concede the floor to Trucker Tim. Secretary Steve, give him the paperclip bracelet of talking.

Trucker Tim: Thank you Mayor Ned, Secretary Steve. I just wanted…

Secretary Steve: You… you have to put the paperclip bracelet on. That's what…. (to everyone) Sorry, he wasn't wearing the paperclip bracelet of talking. (to Tim) I'm not kidding. Put it on your wrist.

Everyone: Grumble mumble mumble grumble.

Trucker Tim: Oh. I see. There. Yes, I… I just wanted to apologize to everyone for the terrible thing that I've done. I just feel…

Mayor Ned: It's OK, Trucker Tim. Not putting on the paperclip bracelet of talking is not that serious an offense. It's more of a tradition than a rule.

Trucker Tim: I… what? No. I didn't mean that I was apologizing for not putting on the paperclip bracelet of talking….

Everyone: Grumble mumble mumble grumble.

Trucker Tim: …But I do apologize for not putting on the paperclip bracelet of talking. Having said that, please let me offer my original apology, the one for the terrible thing that I've done. You see, I'm the one who unleashed the man-eating marmoset on the village.

Everyone: (confused silence)

Banker Cecelia: Err… to which man-eating marmoset are you referring? You don't mean Baker Vic, do you? I thought he moved here from Winnipeg.

Baker Vic: I did! I did move here from Winnipeg! And I wasn't unleashed. My cousin Paul helped me move here in his dad's Eldorado.

Aerobics Instructor Ken: This is an outrage! You can't just run slapdash into this meeting reeking of gasoline and mashed potatoes and mutter insanely about having unleashed someone on the village without giving us any details about who you've unleashed!

Dentist Jill: Aerobics Instructor Ken is right! Since we are all man-eating marmosets, we demand that Trucker Tim be forthcoming with the relevant details.

Architect Chad: Yeah! Be forthcoming, slapdash gasoline and mashed potatoes!

Mayor Ned: Trucker Tim, it is your civic duty to tell us, or at the very least point to him and nod knowingly if you don't wish to say his name.

Trucker Tim: OK, OK! It was Marvin! I unleashed Marvin the Man-eating Marmoset on this village!

Inventor Lou: What, Otorhinolaryngologist Marvin? What sort of man-eating marmoset would have the nerve to unleash a doctor of the ear, nose, and throat upon this humble village?

Otolaryngologist Steve: You disgust me.

Saxaphonist Fran: Don't you realize that we are only a village of 20 or 30 man-eating marmosets? How could we possibly have need for an otorhinolaryngologist when we already have the world's foremost man-eating marmoset doctor of otolaryngology among us?

Trucker Tim: I confess, it was an act of desperation! You see, ever since I was a little man-eating marmoset I've been completely unable to smell mashed potatoes.

Everyone: Gasp mumble mumble gasp!

Otolaryngologist Steve: That's the saddest story I've ever heard! Why have you lived for so long with this horrible potato-based secret without coming to me for help?

Trucker Tim: What good would that do, Otolaryngologist Steve? You're not an otorhinolaryngologist, therefore you lack the crucial rhinological skills needed to treat my affliction!

Dentist Jill: Trucker Tim is right! There's no "rhino" in "otolaryngologist"!

Otolaryngologist Steve: But Trucker Tim, don't you know that an Otolaryngologist and an Otorhinolaryngologist are the same thing? One's just an abbreviation of the other!

Trucker Tim: No! It can't be! I… I don't believe you!

Banker Cecilia: You don't have to believe him, Trucker Tim. But surely you believe… Wikipedia!

Everyone: Gasp mumble mumble gasp!

Trucker Tim: Oh! It hurts! The horrible truth smacks my face and pokes its fingers in my eyes! The truth has made a Shemp of me!

Mayer Ned: Quickly, Secretary Steve, retrieve the poem of consolation! Read it tenderly while gently caressing the back of his hand!

Secretary Steve: It's OK, Trucker Tim. I'm a professional. No, the other hand. Give me your other hand! (clears throat)

You're my favorite one of you
You make milk shoot from my nose when I'm blue
That's why when the sun comes hurtling into the sea
Ending all life that is or will ever be
Just before I've seen the last thing I'll ever see
I want my favorite one of you right here with me

Mayor Ned: By the authority vested in me by this village of marmosets, I now pronounce you comforted.

Everyone: Hooray mumble mumble hooray!

Trucker Tim: Thanks to poetry, I get a second chance at life! Thanks to art, I may someday smell mashed potatoes again! Thanks to creativity, I will someday smell the whole world!

Dentist Jill: Trucker Tim is right! The day has been saved by art!

Otorhinolaryngologist Marvin: My work here is done... again by heart.

Otorhinolaryngologist Marvin the Man-eating Marmoset grabs a satchel from the floor and slings it over his shoulder as he slowly begins to amble out of the auditorium and down the path that leads out of the village. A lone accordion plays a gently sad lullaby in the background.

Document
Marvin the Man-eating Marmoset

Created: Jan 11, 2010

Tags: sundance, one-act play

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