I don't really know how this came about, but as I was drinking my coffee this morning I thought how interesting it would be to interview God and the Devil. Instead I had God do the interviewing. Maybe this would be work for Sundance? It might be a little longer than five minutes.
God has just summoned the Devil to discuss the events over the last few millennia.
GOD: (sitting on his throne looking distracted and mumbling to himself)
DEVIL: (walks in with a very lazy stride, looking bored) Oh, not again! You know, I’ve really become quite bored with these visits God. It’s too bright here! It hurts my eyes.
GOD: (rolls his eyes, then sits up straighter, hands folding in his lap) And I’ve had it with your whining. I’ve only called you up today to discuss a few things. It’s a small list, you won’t be here for long. (he waves his hand dismissively)
DEVIL: Here we go. (he looks down at the non existent watch on his arm) Good thing I cleared all my appointments for the morning. I guess an eternity of torture can wait a few hours.
GOD: Oh enough of the dramatics. Besides wouldn’t it be an even better torture to make them sit and wait for it?
DEVIL: (looking bored again) I suppose you’re right. (pause) So what is it you’ve summoned me here for?
GOD: Well, now that I’ve had some time to ponder a few of your last acts on Earth, I’ve just wanted to ask you a few questions. For the record, you know, all that official garbage. (again he waves a hand dismissively)
DEVIL: Oh, time to ponder. Gee, I was beginning to wonder how many more millennia it would take for you to cotton –on to my deeds. (he smiles evilly)
GOD: Non-sense. I’ve known all along, but recently I’ve taken time to think them out. I asked myself what your reasons were behind them. (he crosses a leg, bringing his right hand up to his chin, looking up in thought)
DEVIL: (blinks a few times in disbelief) You mean baring a grudge against humanity isn’t reason enough? (he shakes his head) I always wondered why they put you in charge.
GOD: (he suddenly snaps out of his thoughts) Oh stop it! What I mean to say is, well, it’s more than that. There’s more behind it. There are reasons for everything. Reasons for your grudge, and the reason for your reason of grudge.
DEVIL: And so on and so forth. But really it only comes down to one thing. Hatred.
GOD: (sighs impatiently) Yes, but why?
DEVIL: (rolls his eyes) Because!
GOD: Again, why?
DEVIL: What, are we four year olds? Quit asking me why!
GOD: (grins mischievously) Wh-
DEVIL: Oh, alright, I’ll tell you.
GOD: (smiles triumphantly) Persistence really is virtuous.
DEVIL: Balance. There was never enough balance. All that love was so… disgusting. I needed a little more excitement. One too many days of sunshine and rainbows, ya know?
GOD: (raises an eyebrow) I thought you never liked rainbows.
DEVIL: No, I do… I did, once upon a time… But that’s beside the point! There was too much happiness! There needed to be a balance. Some of those days needed clouds to block out the sun, and rain to make it more dreary.
GOD: A balance of good and evil huh? What about all those days in the desert with Jesus? He was trying to do good, instead his good got wasted on trying to make you leave him alone!
DEVIL: (giggles a little) Those were good days. Wasted indeed! The son of God does in fact know how to party!
GOD: I beg your pardon. The son of God does not party!
DEVIL: (rolls his eyes) No of course he DOESN’T. But he did. Once upon a time… Again, that’s beside the point.
GOD: Okay, and the plague then?
DEVIL: What about it?
GOD: You wiped out a very large percentage of the human race!
DEVIL: (wrinkles up his nose) Did you ever go down there during that time? I’ve smelled a lot of nasty things, but THAT was just disgusting! They needed to bathe and wash their hands! Did you see their hands? Filthy!
GOD: (blinks a few times) You killed that many people to make a statement about hygiene?!
DEVIL: Dramatics, God! Take a chill pill! They were more than hygienically challenged. That was an understatement! They lived in filth!
GOD: (drops his head into his hands) And the world wars? What of them?
DEVIL: Oh there’s no grand scheme behind those. I was simply bored. Though Hitler was quite an interesting fellow. A very unique mind he has.
GOD: (looks up from his hands) He was gassing people! Because of their religion!
DEVIL: You know, I’ve grown quite fond of Hitler. He’s so funny, he’s become my favorite soul to torture.
GOD: You converse with him?!
DEVIL: Not my fault all your most important people led lives with zero excitement.
GOD: I beg to differ. Ghandi is an amazing soul. He led so many people to peace and was a man of honesty and good.
DEVIL: (fakes a yawn) Boring!
GOD: We’re straying off subject again.
DEVIL: Right, anything else?
GOD: Suicide bombers? All those terrorist acts? The kids shooting up their schools in America!
DEVIL: I was bored!
GOD: I suppose you enjoy talking to THEM?
DEVIL: (shakes his head with a nasty look on his face) Cowards. They all have very unoriginal minds, not worth the slightest bit of consideration. Their torture actually bores me. I’ve had half a thought to just send them up to you. They weren’t loved enough on Earth.
GOD: Suicide bombers in heaven? I wouldn’t dream of giving those foul people seventy-two virgins.
DEVIL: (grins evilly) I gave them 72 old and wrinkly and-
GOD: (wrinkles his face with disgust) Enough, thank you. I don’t want to hear anymore.
DEVIL: Does this mean I can leave now? My eyes are killing!
GOD: (sighs) Yes I suppose that’s enough questioning for one morning. You’re free to go.
DEVIL: Oh good, I can make Hitler’s 10 o’clock torment.
GOD: I hope you’re being original with it.
DEVIL: Don’t concern yourself with my work.
GOD: As you wish. Until next time, Devil. (he waves his hand in farewell)
DEVIL: Next time, my place. You need a little darkness in your existence. (he salutes in farewell)
Created: Jan 11, 2010Document Media