HitRECord Sketch Comedy > Pitch a script or an idea for a comedy sketch! - Writing

Witches in Transit (WWC #55)

By ThatGirlfromMars

Three teenage girls, HANNAH, KEIRA, and LUCY, sit side by side on a bus, heading to a Halloween party. They are wearing witch costumes.


 


HANNAH


 


It's so meta that we're all dressed as witches and we're actually witches, but nobody knows. This is going to be a great party. I did a spell about it – I totally visualized having loads of fun tonight, so I know it's going to be really awesome. Did you guys do any spells today?


 


LUCY


 


I did one for my grandmother. She's sick, and—


 


KEIRA (interrupting)


 


I think for my next spell, I'm going to get Chad to fall in love with me. The Book of Modern Spells says I just need a pink candle and some dried lavender and a bit of his hair. I should be able to get that at the party tonight. I'll just cut some when he's too wasted to notice.


 


LUCY


 


Aren't love spells kind of unethical?


 


HANNAH


 


Not when you're saving someone from a total skank. That's got to be worth all sorts of good karma.


 


KEIRA


 


Yeah. Riley is the ultimate skankosaurus. I wonder if there's some spell I can do to make her kill herself?


 


LUCY


 


I've heard that if you try to do something negative with the magical field, it comes back on you three-fold or tenfold or something.


 


KEIRA


 


Where'd you hear that load of crap? Let me guess, was it Michaela? She's such a loser. She actually thinks this is like a religion or something. The craft is just a tool to get what you want, like a hammer, when you need to bash someone over the head. You wouldn't want to be like the old-school witches anyways. They were all into crap like necrophilia and stuff. That's where the expression "corpus delecti" comes from.


 


LUCY


 


I don't think—


 


KEIRA (interrupting)


 


Yeah, you don't think, because if you did, you wouldn't give a shit about school. So what if I don't know all of history? History is just a bunch of boring old people in stupid hats signing documents and killing each other. Math is just there to give losers something to do when they grow up. Numbers suck, all of them, including the fractions. And chemistry – who wants to play with a bunch of smelly, exploding liquids?


 


HANNAH


 


I think they need chemistry for makeup.


 


KEIRA


 


Okay, chemistry can live then, as long as someone else does it. Biology needs to die though, 'cause I already know the one important thing – plants eat sunshine and shit carbon monoxide, so you don't want to be locked in a garage with one, 'cause it'll kill you. Plus, dirt is gross.


 


LUCY


 


Um . . .


 


HANNAH


 


I think maybe physics is useful for magic though, like it has something to do with the universal magical field. You ask for stuff you want by visualizing it and then quantum shit happens so you can get it.


 


KEIRA


 


Physics was just invented by nerds so they can blow their loads over giant imaginary space holes. Space is totally useless. It just sits out there doing nothing. All I need is magic and I'll get along just fine.


 


LUCY


 


But the Book of Wicca says—


 


KEIRA (in a loud whisper)


 


Look at that old woman in the witch costume. Nobody over twenty-five should be allowed to dress up like that. I hate it when old people think they're people.


 


LUCY


 


It's a pretty cool costume. She went all out.


 


KEIRA (louder)


 


She's all by herself. I'll bet she's just crazy or something. She probably wears that shit every day.


 


LUCY (in a whisper)


 


You're being mean.


 


KEIRA


 


Go off and play with Michaela if you're going to be a total loser all the time.


 


THE OLD LADY IN THE WITCH COSTUME stands up and moves to a seat across from them.


 


KEIRA (in a loud whisper)


 


Great. I hate the fucking bus. Some loser always wants to sit near me.


 


THE OLD LADY IN THE WITCH COSTUME raises her wand and KEIRA disappears.


 


HANNAH


 


How come you're sitting a seat away? Are you saving that one for somebody?


 


LUCY


 


No. I must have just spaced out. I don't know why I didn't sit right next to you.


 


LUCY moves over to the seat next to HANNAH. Both girls look confused. Then HANNAH looks over at THE OLD LADY IN THE WITCH COSTUME, who is staring back at them.


 


HANNAH (in a loud whisper)


 


Hey, look at that crazy old lady in the witch costume.


 


LUCY (in a quiet whisper)


 


It's Halloween. That's a totally normal thing to do.


 


HANNAH (in a loud whisper)


 


Not when you're like a million years old. I wish I had some device that would turn crazy people into something useful, like vodka coolers or cute shoes or whatever.


 


LUCY (in a quiet whisper)


 


Shhhh, she'll hear you.


 


HANNAH (in a loud whisper)


 


So what? They shouldn't just let them walk around where normal people are going to be. It totally brings me down when I have to look at some gross nutjob when I'm like trying to be all positive and put out positive energy into the universe so I can get the stuff I want. Is there anything in your stupid Wicca book about blasting weirdos into outer space with the power of your mind?


 


THE OLD LADY IN THE WITCH COSTUME raises her wand and HANNAH disappears.


 


LUCY (voiceover)


 


Why don't I have any friends? There are empty seats on either side of me even though the bus is nearly full. Am I a fucking leper or something? Do I smell? Maybe I should call up that Michaela girl. She's not super popular or anything, but she seems pretty nice and she's into witch stuff. I wish I could afford a bike so I wouldn't have to ride the bus alone all the time. Michaela rides to school. Maybe we could ride together. Plus, I'd have someone to hang with for Halloween instead of sitting on the bus in my costume alone like a total loser. Doesn't anybody care about Halloween anymore? The only one in costume besides me is that old woman, and her costume is a million times better than the load of thrift store crap I'm wearing.


 


THE OLD LADY IN THE WITCH COSTUME rises to ring the bell.


 


LUCY


 


I like your costume. It's really cool.


 


THE OLD LADY IN THE WITCH COSTUME raises her wand.


 


LUCY and MICHAELA are riding bikes in their witch costumes. Lucy sees THE OLD LADY IN THE WITCH COSTUME looking at her through a bus window and waves to her. THE OLD LADY IN THE WITCH COSTUME waves back.


 


MICHAELA


 


Who's that?


 


LUCY


 


No idea. I just think it's cool that she's into dressing up for Halloween. She still knows how to have fun.


 


MICHAELA


 


I hope I'm like that when I get old.

Document
Witches in Transit (WWC #55)

Created: Nov 01, 2015

Tags: humor, funny, writing challenge, fiction, halloween, prose, screenplay, script, dialog, story, teenagers, bitchiness, witches, witchcraft, bus, magic

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