Bus Station Bathroom

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Two thugs after a key hidden in a bathroom. What could go wrong?

Patty and Tony are two low-rent thugs who have arrived at a run down bus station in search of a key that will put them on easy street. Things go wrong when they find the stall holding their key has a very fat and very dead occupant.

Warning: Foul Language that some may find offensive.

BUS STATION BATHROOM
Written by
Garon Cockrell

FADE IN:

EXT - STREET - DAY
The street is bustling with people. They are walking along
the sidewalks towards wherever it is they need to go.
Several people stream in and out of the large, run down
building at the center of the street. A faded sign on the
building reads: BUS DEPOT

At the curb, a dark sedan is parked.

INT - CAR
Two men sit inside the sedan, both looking out the passenger
window towards the bus depot. The larger man, PATTY, sits in
the driver’s seat. He is chewing on a toothpick, his
eyebrows hooded over his beady brown eyes.
In the passenger seat sits, TONY. He is a wiry man with
scraggly hair. He is frantically puffing away on a
cigarette.

TONY
I don’t like this shit. This is
movie bullshit. What the fuck are
we doin?

PATTY
Relax.

TONY
Fuck relax. This place is swarming
with cops man. We go in there and
start rootin’ around in a bathroom
we gonna get busted.

PATTY
I said relax goddamnit. Gonna be
fine. We go in, we get the key
from the shitter and take care of
business. Two hours and we’ll be a
few hundred thousand dollars
richer.

Patty reaches over and pops open the glove compartment. He
pulls out a package of twinkies and rips it open.

Tony watches as an extremely large man walks past the car
window.

TONY
You keep eating that shit you’ll
end up looking like tons of fun
there.

PATTY
You outta be more fuckin’
respectful you ginny fuck.

EXT - STREET
The large fat man walks up the steps to the bus depot and
walks inside.

INT - CAR
Tony rolls down his window and tosses out the cigarette.

TONY
Which bathroom was it again?

PATTY
(through a mouth full of
twinkie)
The last one on the right. In the
retard stall.

TONY
The retard stall. Says the man who
wants me to be more respectful. I
gotta real bad feelin’ about this
shit.

Tony rolls up his the window and pushes open the door. He
exits the car.

EXT - STREET
Tony walks away from the car and jogs up the stairs. He
disappears into the

INT - BUS DEPOT
Tony pauses when he enters the station. He is jostled
slightly by the rushing group of people.

The station branches off to various bus lines. One hall
leads to lines 100 - 110, the next 120 - 130, etc. He
glances around and sees a men’s room sign at the other end of the station.

He pushes past a woman and crosses the station.

INT - MEN’S ROOM
Tony enters the bathroom and finds it, thankfully empty. He
pushes the door shut.

The bathroom is quiet aside from the DRIPPING sink. The
stalls are on the right side and appear to be very tight.
He quickly moves to the last stall. He pushes on the door.

It’s locked.

TONY
(whispers)
Fuck me.

He leans over and sees legs. He KNOCKS.

TONY (CONT’D)
‘scuse me?

No response.

Tony KNOCKS again.

TONY (CONT’D)
Yo. You about finished in their
chief?

Tony POUNDS on the door.

TONY (CONT’D)
Hey! Pinch it off and get the fuck
out of there!

No answer.

TONY (CONT’D)
I’m gonna kick this fucking door in
you don’t answer me.

Again, no answer from the other side. Tony steps back and
kicks the stall door. It flies inward and SLAMS against the
wall.

Tony looks into the stall, rather small and tight for a
handicapped stall and sees the occupant. It’s the very large
fat man from outside. He is squeezed into the stall with his
pants around his ankles and he is very much dead.

TONY (CONT’D)
Aw fuck me.

CUT TO:

INT. CAR
Tony slides into the car and SLAMS the door shut.

TONY
We’re done. We’re fucked.

PATTY
What are you on about?

TONY
I’m talkin’ about we’re fucked.
Your future self that walked past
the car earlier? He shit himself
to death in the bathroom.

PATTY
Fuck you mean?

TONY
I mean there is a 2 ton Tommy
poppin’ his last squat in the very
stall that holds our key. He is
stuffed in there like a goddamn
tube of toothpaste.

Patty slams his fist on the steering wheel. The car horn
HONKS in response.

PATTY
All right. Show me.

CUT TO:
INT - BATHROOM
Tony and Patty stand together in front of the stall. They
look in at the fat man stuffed inside.

PATTY
How the hell he even get in here?
Are you sure this is the retard
stall, it looks just like the
others.

TONY
It’s the last stall in the last
bathroom. It looks bigger than the
other ones so it must be the
handicapped stall. That means the
key is on the back of the toilet
that shamu here gave up the ghost
on. Christ it stinks too.

PATTY
Well we gotta call the cops and get
him outta here.

TONY
We can’t call the fuckin’ cops. I
got a file. They’ll run me in on
principle.

PATTY
We’ll do it anonymous like.

TONY
Yeah let’s do that. We’ll make an
anonymous call about a fat man dead
on a toilet. They’ll fuckin’ rush
right over. We can come back in a
week and get our key from whatever
homeless scab slithers in and
snatches it.

PATTY
Well what the hell else we supposed
to do?

The bathroom door opens with a slam.

Tony yanks a gun from his pocket and points it at the OLD MAN
who stumbles inside.

TONY
Get the fuck outta here!

The old man quickly turns and leaves.

PATTY
You dumb git. That old son of a
bitch is gonna go right to the
cops. Fuck!

TONY
I panicked!

PATTY
You panicked. Goddamn it all.
Grab this fat fuck’s arms. Hurry
up.

INT - STALL
Tony and Patty each grab an arm and begin to pull. The man
does not budge.

INT - BATHROOM

TONY
Fuck this. That old fucker’s gonna
be back here with a cop any minute.
We should just clear out.

PATTY
I ain’t clearin’ out until we get
that key. Now you get on the floor
and crawl under his legs.

TONY
What?

PATTY
Get your skinny ass on the ground
and crawl under his fuckin’ legs.
You can shimmy yourself under there
and grab the key.

TONY
Bullshit.

Patty steps away from the stall and runs his hand through his
hair.

PATTY
Get your ass on the floor Tony.

TONY
There isn’t -

PATTY
You get on that fucking floor or so
help me christ I will slice you
open and use your juices to grease
that fuckin’ whale.

Tony raises his hands and obeys.

INT - STALL
He squeezes himself between the fat man’s legs and the toilet
and slides towards the rear of the toilet. He twists his
head and sees key hanging behind the tank.

TONY
I see it!

INT - BATHROOM
The bathroom door opens and a COP enters along with the OLD MAN. The cop has his hand on his gun.

COP
Sir, I need you to turn around
slowly with your hands in the air.

PATTY
(whispers)
Fuckin hell.

Patty raises his arms and slowly turns towards the cop.

OLD MAN
Nah, he ain’t the one. It was a
skinny guy.

COP
Sir, are you armed?

PATTY
No sir, I was just about to take a
pi...use the bathroom here.

INT - STALL
Tony reaches up and grabs the key. He starts sliding
backwards.

BATHROOM

OLD MAN
That man was doin’ somethin’ at
that last stall there. Maybe he
was hiding drugs or something.

Tony jumps out of the stall.

TONY
I GOT IT!

The cop rips his gun free of his holster and fires a round
that hits square in the center of Tony’s forehead. Tony
flies back, his arms flail, and the key launches into the
air. It hits the ground with a TINKLE and slides to a stop
at Patty’s foot.

Tony hits the wall next to the stall. His gun drops from his
belt, hits the floor and goes off.

The bullet blasts into the cop’s neck.

The cop jerks around and instinctively clenches the hand
holding his gun. It fires a round into the Old Man.

The cop and the old man fall to the ground.

Patty looks at his dead friend and then at the dead cop and
old man. He shakily bends over and picks up the key.

PATTY
Fuck me.

CUT TO:
CREDITS

Created: Dec 26, 2009

Tags: mob, key, irish, bathroom, mafia, comedy, bus, italian, crime

Garon Document Media