A scent of sweaty balls, and deceit.

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 Having developed large breasts at a young age I was envied by female friends, and harassed by the males I considered friends in my earlier teen years. I did not enjoy this time, as everyone my age thought I was living a dream, looking so grown up so fast. My cousin Roland introduced me to the majority of my "friends" that were guys growing up. One, a boy named Ricky came over to my house one day asking to hang out, play video games, and basketball, things that sounded appealing in a lazy summer afternoon. Ricky did not end up playing any games that evening that he offered. Instead he kept trying to coerce me into flashing him, he slammed his hand against my crotch over my jeans wiggling his fingers, I squirmed away uncomfortable, unsettled feeling like I'd be yacking my hot pocket from lunch on his wife beater tank any moment.  Where my parents were that day I have no idea, or even know if I would have told on him for fear of being a "rat". 


  "I think you should leave." I snapped running so I was on the other side of the table in our basement he had been trying to prop me against instead of playing on the xbox. He was a short, stocky guy, but strong, and wicked fast which usually I admired in him, but in that instance I was scared. He hopped onto the table and slid over to my side and grabbed me.


 "You can suck, or fuck me now," He grabbed my tits and twisted, and prodded them like a curious child checking to see if the road kill was actually dead, "Or you can get me some booze, or cigarettes, and I'll leave." 


 "My mom has cigarettes. You can have cigarettes!" I shreaked. I ran upstairs, and went into the freezer where my mom hid her Doral menthal 100's. I grabbed two packs and rushed downstairs hurling them to him, hoping he'd get lung cancer.


 "Okay? Is that good? Go, just go. Please go."  I stammered, as he looked at me like I had 7 heads.


 "Jesus CB, such a fucking prude." He scoffed, and left. 


  I didn't have another close encounter with Ricky again until the winter, but the situation left me shaken, and nervous. I had told my cousin about it, and he laughed "Fucking Ricky." Like it was expected of him, I felt hurt.


  In January,  D.J my cousin's closest friend told me he was throwing a party for Roland's birthday I must come, I had to come. They were getting a lot of beer, and bud, all our friends were going, it was going to be an awesome night. D.J had caught my eye a while before, and I was thrilled he was asking me to go. A lot of girls in school were always obsessing over him, and I felt so special to be apart from them, invited to this exclusive party first. I didn't know I was  the only girl going.


  When the night of the party came, my mom dropped me off over at D.J's house


 


"Miss Porter will be home in like a hour Mom, don't worry." I smiled innocently. 


 D.J was waiting outside casually leaning against his garage door. My Mom called him over to her car,


" D.J is your mother coming home?"


D.J's trusting baby face grinned at my mother, "Of course Mrs. Zimmer, she'll be home soon just finishing her shift!"


 


My mother left waving, and D.J took my hand, and pulled me behind him with hurried steps.


 


"We're all down stairs. Come on!" 


  He led me down into the basement, low ceilings, and cinder block walls like in school. It smelled like my brother's dirty laundry, and cigarettes. I felt a chill looking around all guys, I saw my cousin, I smiled, and he laughed at me making me feel uneasy. Instantly there was Ricky putting his arm around me.


 "CB my girl! We have fun huh? So excited you came.", then a whisper in my ear, "I'm going to fuck you tonight." I pulled away smelling whiskey heavy on his breath.


 They were all heavily buzzed already, Ricky was not the only boy to hang on me. D.J, and two other guys Logan, and Kyle kept trying to pull my tank top I had under my cardigan down to expose my breasts. My necklace snapped beads spilling onto the floor, bouncing away like my child naivete leaving me. I was out numbered, and cornered. This is not fun, he doesn't like me. 


Roland was laughing, "Just make sure I don't see anything, that's sick she's my cousin."


 I felt a chill, and shook myself. He didn't care? He didn't stand up for me? He didn't think this was wrong. I had to strategize.  


 "I'll do stuff if you get me drunk!" MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE my brain screamed at me, I thought it was a good idea, a good distraction,  I saw only empty bottles. Everyone but my cousin got up and stumbling, and started digging around searching for any substance to shove at me. I tried texting my mom, "COME GET-" 


 I didn't get to finish my text, I was slammed against the wall by Logan. He pressed his face into my neck, and licked me, shoving his erect penis into my leg. 


  "I want you, I want you so bad. Just put it in your mouth. Come on, just a taste." He slurred, and shoved his hands down the front of my shirt grabbing my boobs hard, I cried out.


 "Stop, fucking stop!" No one did anything, but in that moment my phone started ringing. 


 "It's my mom, she's mad. I have to answer." 


He backed off rolling his eyes. "Whatever, stupid bitch." 


"Mom?"


"I'm coming to get you, I called D.J's mother to check when she'd be home, and she didn't even know you guys were over there, are you kidding me Catherine Zimmer? I can not believe you." I felt joy spread through me, even with her hostile tone.


 "I'm sorry Mom, I thought she would be home. I'll be waiting outside." my voice sounded flat, insincere, and I was. 


The boys faces whitened, then glared at me.


 I hung up, and said my mom was coming,  ran upstairs, and out the door. I waited in the cold, and no one came to say good bye.


 


I felt nauseous, and betrayed. I had only been asked over to be the entertainment for the night, not because anyone sincerely liked me, or thought of me as a real friend. I was fifteen at the time, and traumatized by their behavior. Anytime after that when I was outnumbered by guys I felt panicked, and anxious. My biggest fear was something worse was going to happen to me. I am now 24, and no one has ever assaulted me like that since. It took me till I was 21 to be alone with a guy, and want him to touch me, and til 23 to like someone enough to be completely naked with them, vulnerable and  trust in them that it wasn't because they only wanted sex from me. That I was worth more.


 


I had it in the back of my head for a long time that I was being used, that I was an object to pass the time with. It's still a fear of mine, I still need deep breaths if I see more men than women. I will never let myself be cornered like that again though. I will never let my fear take over, and make me a victim that I turned into those days. I was too afraid to tell on those guys, and kick them in dick like they deserved. 


 Maybe there's more fear than just of men, maybe because I deserved to be treated that way by putting myself in those situations. Then again when you're a kid the world does't seem that ominous that you should need to worry about your friends hurting you. I know now they were not my friends, I know a lot more now. 

Created: Mar 06, 2015

Tags: story, weekly writing challenge 21, slowly but surely, fears, overcoming fear, second draft.

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