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I'm going to be very straight forward with you, not because this is a confession like the title says, but because I can't seem to be able to write more than three words without wanting to throw my computer from the balcony - and I live in a very high apartment.

My fears are simple, selfish, and most of anything, consuming. It's similar to that voice that pops up in your head and tells you, "hey, you really should set that house on fire!". Only in my case, it's more self destructive.

Like any good fear it keeps me up at night, digging the always-welcome-now-wonderfully-familiar hole in my chest (sorry for the sarcasm overload), making me doubt my every decision and gloating every time someone other than me achieves success.

Because like I said before, I'm selfish, and coming from a ridiculously sad, almost third world country that it's only recognised for its failures in a world where the internet shows you everyday how amazingly talented all those other billions of human beings are, and how there are people like the forever flawless Tom Hanks that can do no wrong... yeah, I fucking want to stand out, I want to be one of the greats like Miles Teller says in Whiplash, I want to win awards and rub them on the faces of the ones hate, I want to work doing what I have loved since I have use of reason and I want someone other than my family to remember, to miss me.

I want all those things I will never be able to say out loud without sounding like a bitch.

But like the voice in my head says: I will never do the things I want, go the places I want to go and be respected.  I am not as good as I like to think I am.




Created: Mar 06, 2015

Tags: weekly writing challenge

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