Fat, Skinny, Curvy, Thin

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My weight, what a struggle it has been in my life and I am only 25.

I was diagnosed with a kidney disease when I was 10 which had me on a medicine which increases weight gain. By 13 I was fat, by 14 i was borderline obese and I didn't even know it. I mean, I knew I was bigger than the other kids at school but i was so loved by my parents, I had sisters who played with me, and my friends were the popular girls in school and I thought fat kids didn't have those things. Fat kids weren't happy, people didn't like fat kids.

Then I went to Virginia Beach one summer with my sister and her friend and we took a picture on a bench, me in the middle her and her friend on my sides. When the picture developed I noticed how big I really was, my legs were the size of each girl to the side of me. I cried and couldn't understand why no one told me I was fat. I asked everyone why no one told me and how they could let me go in public looking the way I did.My family and my friends told me, "You're happy that's all that matters"

This was also during the time where I had started my interests in women's magazines, MTV, and pop music so everything around me portrayed beauty as thin. I wasn't happy anymore because I was fat.

That summer I refused to wear a bathingsuit, I didn't go to the beach, and i spent every living moment at the age of 16 working out and dieting. The weird thing was my whole life I was active in sports, I just had started to realize I was over eating. I stopped eating junk food, cut out my soda, and went easy on the salt and carbs and by the next school year I was skinny, or so I thought.

Everyone at school asked me how I lost so much weight, more people liked me, guys asked me out on dates and I was happy. Then came the bullying from other girls telling me I must have lost weight by calling 1-800-JENNYCRAIG and that I wasn't skinny at all, I was a curvy chubby girl who was on the borderline of becoming fat.  I tried to let this not bother me but it did, and I became even more obssessed with my weight and with women's magazines. Even worse, I became TERRIFIED of becoming fat again. I mean, I kept a food diary, I watched everything that went in my mouth and I would go to bed hungy just because it was better then getting fat again.

I kept reading things about being fat, being skinny, and by college I was obssessed with models and their thin apperance. I would buy copies of magazines, rip all the pages out of thin models, and wallpaperd my dorm with them. In reality I was skinny but in my mind I was still that obese girl in high school and I needed to look like these models. I hadn't even realized that these models were only 2% of the world and were all photoshopped.

I worked out twice as hard, I limited my calories, limited my fat and finally was at the thin point I had been striving for. However this time my friends were concerned, they said I looked too thin and others teased me and said I was a skelton. My doctor asked me if I was anorexic, my parents tried to over feed me, and my boyfriend said I was prettier when I was chubby.

I started to lift weights thinking being buff would be better and after hearing that I looked good, others told me I looked like a man or too manly, that I was loosing my feminity, and that I looked "big".

Frustrated with my weight and confusing body images I began to do research on eating disoders, mental body image problems, and other weight related issues. I became consumed with the amount of problems I found with women and men and their weight and body issues. I attended workshops, I wrote my senior paper on eating disorders and mental body issues, and I enrolled in women's studies focusing on the body image. Meanwhile in my PhotoShop class we were LEARNING how to make people thinner and prettier which made me sick to my stomach. For my last photoshop project, we were to take a normal portarait and beautify it. I made the girl I was assigned in her potrait fatter than she was orginally and argued the standards of beauty, just becasue she was bigger didn't make her any less attractive.

What I learned was this; no matter your weight society will never accept you. Someone will always think you are too fat, too skinny, too chubby, not thin enough, not muscular enough, etc;. There is no perfect "look" and you will never bee good enough, you will always be too much of something or too little of something else.

This inspired me to create a magazine, which I called YOUnique Magazine. We featured teenagers and young women of ALL different sizes and shapes and shocased them for who they were on the inside and out. It was well recieved but due to funding we shut it down, which was very unfortunate becuase many women and girls told me I made them feel loved and accepted for who they were. Now I own a fitness company called Bass Bodies were we incorporate dancing with working out, it's not about loosing weight but feeling great and our fan base loves that we are open to everyone and appreciate all types of beauty and body shapes.

So, at 25 I am 5'5, I weight 126lbs and guess what, I love food, I love dancing, I love my body, and I am happy. My arms are toned, and my legs have cellulite, my stomach is flat and I have love handles, my booty is big and my breasts are small but it's all mine and I love it.

I am not fat, I am not skinny, I am not curvy, I am not thin, I am me and I am happy and that is all that matters.

Created: Apr 23, 2014

Tags: magazine, essay, bass bodies, writing, weight issues, theme, curvy, weight, skinny, request, fat

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