I Used to be FAT

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I lost 80lbs several years ago and have kept it (mostly) off. I'm about 10lbs more than I'd like to be at the moment, but I know from experience that until I accept myself AS IS in this moment, nothing will change.


That was the biggest lesson I learned in my journey: it has to come from within, and no diet plan or exercise program will work if you don't love yourself every step of the way. I often say that it was an internal journey that happened to have external outcomes. 


But you know what has pissed me off instead of delighted me? 


Being seen. 


Being heard. 


I used to be invisible. Now people notice me. They listen to me. Sometimes I feel like I tumbled out on the other side of a vortex in this strange magical place where I actually matter. And for something so superficial as my size.


People made all kinds of assumptions about me because of my weight, and they still do. I have a lot of health issues but doctors will tell me "You seem quite healthy!" just based on looking at me before any tests or an examination, when they used to blame any health issue I had on the fact that I was obese. 


I go shopping and retail clerks fawn over me; so delighted to be in my service. I used to show myself to the fitting room and stand at cosmetics counters only to be ignored. 


I am no more valuable than I was before. My voice was just as needed then as it is now.


I was beautiful then, as I am now.


But no one saw it.


Because I used to be fat. 

Created: Apr 23, 2014

Tags: fat shaming, fat invisibility, re: fat

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