the dark

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so regarding the dark. let me tell you my story. and how i overcame the dark in my life

I was born to an Italian Father and an English Mother, I was brought up in a home with the traditional values of “a man goes to work and a woman stays at home and looks after the children and home.” Growing up I didn’t have a close relationship with my Father; he was very strict with me, and liked to use his fist if I did not obey him. I had so much hatred for my Father, I wished him dead so many times and used to live with this constant black hole in my stomach from the anger towards him. So it will probably shock you to know, that in 1997, my Father murdered my sweet Mother, who I adored.

You would probably think that I would hate him and never speak to him again, but you’re wrong. In that very moment of losing my dear mother, I did hate him, but after being allowed to visit him as I needed to hear from him in his own words what he had done, and also to scream, shout, and show him my anger towards him I found that i could forgive him. Seeing the man who never showed any form of emotion, other than anger, sit in front of me crying his eyes out, begging me for forgiveness, I knew it was not that easy to carry his hate any more.

The night before my Mother died she told me she was scared my Dad would kill her. Shocked, I said ‘Do you not hate him as much as I do?’ I will never forget her reply.

She said ‘I love him for who he is, not what he does. Just like you’re my daughter and no matter what wrong you do, or how bad it is, I will always love you and always be there for you.’

With that said, I have never forgotten those words, so seeing my Dad, I couldn’t help hearing my Mother’s words over and over again and slowly in time, I learned to forgive my Dad and slowly the pain in the pit of my stomach went.

He kept my Mother alive with all the stories he would tell me about her and we slowly started having a real daughter-father relationship. At this point I slowly realized that in life you may not choose what happens to you but you do get to choose how whatever bad happens to you defines you. Whether you turn things into a positive or a negative and slowly I decided I would always live my life in a positive way. So in 2011, in honor of my mum, and to change her legacy, I decided to donate one of my kidneys to a stranger in her memory and I would make it one of my three ‘Pay it forwards’. If you don’t know about the pay it forward scheme, it is where you do three kind acts and inform the person who you are doing the kind act for that it is a ‘Pay it forward’ and they must now pass on three kind acts.
Forgiveness is a very private thing to do, in a way it’s a selfish thing as you forgive to make your life easier and better. Having all that anger inside is not healthy or good for you, as soon as you truly forgive, your life becomes so much healthier, and I truly believe the more good you send out in the world the more good comes your way. Forgiveness also means you’re telling the person they have not beaten you and you can live a better life with out them.
I once heard Oprah Winfrey talk about forgiveness and it sums up what I think forgiveness really is; She said ‘Forgiveness for me is letting go, so that the past does not hold you prisoner.’

Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.
Many people think that forgiving means accepting what has happened to you; well it is accepting that it has happened to you but not accepting that it was ok to happen. It is accepting that it has happened, and now what do I do about it. Forgiving is giving up the hope, not holding on, hoping, and wishing, that it could have been any other way then it actually was. Giving up the hope that the past could be any different.

Not holding grudges, I don’t hold grudges for anything, or any situation, and neither should you, it’s letting go, so that the past does not hold you, prisoner or hold you hostage


Created: Apr 19, 2014


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